What do you do with a Drunken Lawyer?
Ali Cherry
“God, you're heavy.” Josh grunted at Sam as they staggered up the stairs.
Sam didn't respond, his head resting on his chest, his body as limp as a wet noodle.
“Aren't you supporting any of him, Toby?” Josh growled looking over Sam's head at Toby, whose face was red with exertion.
“I'm never—” Toby puffed hard trying to catch his breath. “I'm never putting Sam to bed again. Whose idea was this anyway?”
“Yours. You didn't want him to sleep on your couch again.” Josh stopped walking and Sam's body was stretched between the two tautly. “God. You're so damned heavy! Do you hear me, Samuel? You're heavy!”
“Muscle mass,” Sam slurred, his eyelids flickering gently, before he dropped his head down on his chest again.
“And why did you have to live on the third floor?” Toby nudged Sam's leg roughly.
“Good exercise, helps increase muscle mass.” Sam's foot drunkenly swung forward, and the two men sighed in relief as Sam took some of his own weight. “OHHHHHHHHH! WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DRUNKEN LAWYER! WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DRUNKE—“
Toby clamped his hand over Sam's mouth, and Sam quieted immediately. Toby removed his hand. “You need to shut up, Sam.”
“Okay.” Sam started to hum softly to himself, listing towards Josh.
“Shit.” Josh grabbed Sam and tried to right him, but was stuck with an armful of Sam's limbs.
“I'm gonna go to bed now, guys.” Sam's eyes closed again as Toby and Josh tried to get a grip on him.
The two men wrestled Sam up the remaining flights of stairs to where Donna stood with the door open to Sam's apartment. She had opened the windows in the front room to blow out the staleness of three days of unoccupied loneliness and had turned down the blankets in Sam's room.
“He's bed is right back—” Donna started to point in the direction of the bedroom.
“I know, Donna. I know. God, he's heavy.”
“Shut up, Josh.” Toby grunted, grip slipping on Sam's dress shirt. He exchanged a quick panicked look with Josh before they sped the remaining few steps to Sam's bedroom.
There they dumped him on the bed, with a sigh of relief. Josh looked at Toby thoughtfully.
“Now what?”
“Huh?”
“What's next?”
“We go home?”
“But aren't we, like, supposed to take off some of his clothes and put him under the covers?”
They both watched as Sam's body slid off the bed and hit the floor with a large thump.
“Ow,” Sam murmured sadly. They waited for him to move, but he didn't.
“Sam.” Josh nudged him with his foot.
“Guys!” Donna hissed from the doorway, staring down at a drunken Sam on the floor. “You said, 'bed,' not floor. Pick him up!”
Toby and Josh sighed heavily and grabbed each of Sam's arms pulling him up on to the bed and making sure he was secure. Josh turned to Donna, “Now what?”
Donna glared at him. “I don't know, make him comfortable.”
Josh looked at Sam sprawled on the bed. He looked comfortable enough.
“I'm going home now. At least take off his shoes and tie,” She threw over her shoulder as she walked out. The two conscious men heard the loud thump as the front door closed with finality.
“She's right, about the shoes.” Josh looked at Sam's feet. His dress shoes were double-knotted, and slightly scuffed. “Do you think they slide off?”
Toby examined the intricate knotting. “No. Has to be anal about everything, doesn't he?”
“Ummm . . . Yeah I think he does. His dad was pretty strict about that kind of thing.”
“Yeah.” Toby sighed and started unknotting the shoelaces. “Well?” He asked Josh.
Josh stared at him blankly. “What?”
“Help!”
“Oh, yeah, okay.” They got Sam's shoes off and stared at his drunken body again.
“He looks so skinny.” Josh commented.
“He's heavy.” Toby groused.
“Yeah.”
“We should undo his tie.”
“But that's as far as we go, right, Toby?”
“Yeah.”
They unknotted his tie and pulled it off the body, staring down at Sam again.
“He looks kinda uncomfortable, maybe we should unbutton a few buttons.” Josh looked awkwardly at Toby who reached over and started to undo Sam's buttons.
“Take off his belt, Josh.”
“What?” Josh asked, his face a mask of panic. “Why?”
“Cause, it'll be painful in the morning.”
“Well it's painful now.” Josh backed away from the bed.
Toby reached down and undid Sam's belt shooting glares in Josh's direction. “If you're going to be a wuss, get me a toothbrush and some water in a glass.”
“Toby—“
“Get it, Joshua.” Toby pulled off Sam's belt and finished undoing his shirt, untucking it and pulling it off as well.
Josh came back with the water and Sam's took brush and watched as Toby scrubbed at Sam's teeth calmly.
“Is there something I should know about you and your balls, Toby?”
“Josh.” Toby turned calmly to face him. “If you say another word about my balls, I swear I'm gonna take two of them and shove them so far down your throat they'll meet the two I shove up your ass, understood?”
Josh nodded his head meekly. He watched as Toby finished and left the glass of water beside Sam's bed. Toby then disappeared into the bathroom, coming out with an Advil bottle, which he opened and left beside his sleeping deputy.
Josh moved forward then and pulled the covers up over his friend, smiling as Sam's hand reached up to grip the blankets closer to his body, his arms crossed almost defensively across his chest.
Josh waited until Toby walked out of the room before pushing back Sam's bangs and whispering quietly, “sweet dreams, Sam.” He closed the bedroom door and walked to the door where Toby was waiting patiently.
Toby shut the door and locked it, giving Josh his keys back. “He's gonna have a hang over tomorrow.”
“Do you think he'll remember we dropped him, in the morning?” Josh asked as they started down the stairs.
“He should be thankful we didn't drop him when we saw the stairs.” Toby commented, walking out into the chilly March night.
“Yeah.” Josh pulled his coat closer around him and turned to walk towards his apartment.
“I'll see you tomorrow, Toby.”
“Tomorrow's Saturday.”
“Since when has that stopped any of us? Besides we have to get back to the business of running the country now that we've had our day of Big Block of Cheese meetings.”
“Whatever.”
“Hey, Toby,” Josh called out.
“I swear to God, Josh. If you say one more thing about my balls. . . ”
“No.” Josh smiled. “No. I was going to say thanks. He needed that.”
Toby nodded slowly. “Yeah.” He turned his back on Josh and started to walk down the street whistling, “What do you do with a Drunken Sailor.”
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