Okay, stop right there, Sam. You're sounding like Josh. In your head. Never a good place for him to be.

So here's my problem. I'm alone at a bar. A pretty girl is making doe eyes at me, maybe. I can never tell these things. And all I can think of is that last time this happened I had great sex and regretted for many months afterward. Not the sex, mind you. The complications, the hassles the endless questions about "my special girl friend." Hell, I'm still regretting it.

I went off track, didn't I? Focus Sam, Focus. Oh god, now Toby's in my head and I'm really freaked out.

Huge drink, Burns. Oh god, sputter sputter. Never mind girl has gone to the restroom to laugh her ass off. I guess that's a good thing.

What is it about me, which make women think I'm only good for the bedroom. Do I have a hands off look, something that shouts one-night-only girls? I'm not usually a one-night guy. I'm the long-term dork that no one wanted in high school, and no one wanted in college because they couldn't experiment with me. I'll have you know, I can experiment with the best of them, just in a monogamous relationship.

Now the women my age want that kind of guy, but no one wants me. Lisa didn' t want me, Mallory didn't want me, and Laurie thought I was too much trouble. So while everyone gets some one, the West Wing staff gets no one. We get that really detailed Sexual Education report, for vicarious kicks.

CJ isn't the only one that could pass Abstinence only. The whole damn staff, with the exception of Charlie and the President, could.

Can I say right here, that I give Cathy time off for her dates? I'm not like Josh who makes Donna like check in each night when she gets home, who forbids dates? If Cathy is happy having some guy take her out, pleasure her and then turn around and dump his ass, I don't care as long as it's not my ass she dumping. I need her too much to piss her off, which happens if she doesn't get her quota of men each month.

That's when she starts calling around looking for all the shittiest Senators to come have a sit down with me. So like I said, I don't prohibit a sex life for my secretary. Hey, better she get laid then nobody, right?

I think I've lingered long enough on Cathy. She scares me too much to stay there for long. And while we're on the subject of Josh, I can honestly say, while he isn't getting any, he has a relationship. Anyone who doesn't think there is a relationship between Donna and Josh needs to have their emotional radar checked. It might be platonic, but it is on every emotional bandwidth.

There are all these emotions running around between them, and heaven help anyone that comes in direct contact. Donna having slept in my bed, while I was on the floor (Josh is such the gentleman, the ass) during the campaign was like being stuck in this emotional roller coaster. Only the climbs are as fast as the drops and I have a blindfold on, never knowing when they were coming to an end.

And just another thing to blame on Josh. Like I, being the one recently dumped, dissed and dismissed by his cheating fiancée, needed an emotional roller coaster. Thank you very much. I was the secretary fixer, just send her to Sam, she'll be all ready for a new life in five to ten working days. They finally stuck me with Cathy, but we aren't going there.

I guess that made me feel better, to fix some one else, when I couldn't fix myself. You plan a life and it disappears with one word, one action. You feel those big old heels that you paid a fortune for, grinding what's left of your heart into this fine powder that scatters in the wind that she makes beating a hasty retreat.

Let's say that after the first month of Donna in my bed, and then later, Mandy in Josh's bed, that I decided to move into Toby's room, which is like freeze drying your emotions, or drowning them in liquor. I went for freeze dry, Toby went for booze.

Do people think we're gay? Maybe that's it. Is there something about my hair that labels me? Do women think, 'he's just getting one last kick before admitting the truth?' There's nothing wrong with that lifestyle, and hell if you're willing to love someone, to commit, who am I to say it's wrong? I'm just not. . . Gay.

Speaking of which, is that a guy looking at my butt, or am I just imagining it? Why the hell would anyone look at my butt, it's just there; molded like the desk chair I spend way too much time in.

Now CJ has a great body, not that I'm looking cause really she reminds me of my older sister. There is that whole ick factor, which is why I don't like-- you know-- butting into her love life.

It's like walking in on your sister having sex with her boyfriend in the garage, when you're like six. It can scar you for life. I know. Trust me. My sister was a lot older than me. Lets just say that I didn't want a girlfriend til later in life. It didn't look that pleasing at the time.

I'm just perfectly happy to knock and avoid the room, when strange noises are issuing from there.

So now that I'm on my like tenth drink, I have to ask myself, is it the job, the clothes, the pager surgically stitched to my hip? Do I look gay? Am I too ugly? Are my glasses too Clark Kent?

What is it about me, and the others, that make us unavailable for permanent relationships? Well besides Josh, cause he's attached to Donna. And well Toby too, cause he's still in love with his wife, I didn't actually sleep in Toby's room either, I listen to him rant about his wife Andi. He's not a happy drunk, but he's very talkative. And not Leo, cause well I think, he thinks he's still married. There are times when I hear him go to pick up the phone and say, "Shit." And I know that feeling, the actions. It's when some thing that's been there for years, disappears when she says, "I won't." The last call home. Okay, so it's the senior staff, minus Josh, Leo and Toby. And well CJ cause well she's good in bed. No wait, didn't want that image. Yuck.

Yeah a few more drinks, and make them strong please.

So okay, CJ's single. But she had that thing with Danny. There was no sex, but there were a few dates, and she saw him every day. There was an emotional connection: in the briefing room, in the hall, on the plane. He bought her a damn goldfish.

It's just me. And I'm the one that's going to miss the most normal years doing this thing that I'll never do again. And I'm thinking no one will want me in six years. I'll be old. I'll be dried up. I won't ever have that last call of the day. I'll have only had it with a woman who never loved me, a woman who handed back her promise to love me, as easily as she handed me my suitcase.

I'm such a moron. She never loved me, and I wasted years on Lisa. And I've wasted a year on Mallory, and thoughts on Laurie. I've wasted my dreams and. It's time to just move on to accepting the favorite uncle line, except I'm the last Seaborn. That's sneaking up on me. I think that's what started this.

Mom called, Dammit. I should have thought of that, before I came to the bar. I need to go back to the office, and start doing something productive. That's it. I pay the bill and move to get up. I look around at the people, some are watching, some aren't. I'm not a freak to them, but I still feel like a freak, because I think singular status is tattooed to my heart and that hurts much more than settling for a woman who never loved me.