Don't Explain

Dallas


You're born into a stranger's world. You learn the language word by
word. You take a step and then you turn, and you don't explain... That is
you, Sam Seaborn. You just keep walking without me there, Samuel. And I miss
you, but you're on your own now, and that's not comforting to me. Not at all.
I remember when you took your first step. You were a cute little boy,
with bright blue eyes, and a big smile, one that lit the room. Everyone loved
you, people stopped your father in the street to tell you how adorable you
were. The girls loved you too. I remember that girl in the 6th grade, Marnie
Daly. You used to come home, and comb your hair, and then go to the park, my
little nerd.
You came into yourself in high school, though, and there wasn't a girl
around who didn't swoon over that smile, that smile which was so rare. You
were such a tortured soul, and I wanted to hold you, and take away your pain,
but I couldn't. And then came college, my little boy going off to Princeton.
I was so proud. You met Elanie, and she made you smile.
And then came Duke Law school. I was proud of you, especially when you
didn't drink, or do drugs like some of your classmates. Like Elanie. I felt
your pain when she died, and again, I wanted to hold you, and take away your
pain, to wipe the tears from your eyes, but I couldn't. My little boy was all
grown up. Slowly, the easy smile came back, and the jokes returned. I was so
happy!
And then you met Josh. He was a good friend to you. He always seemed to
sense that there was something lurking under the surface, a tradgedy you
refused to share with anyone, a pain that you would never show. And he tried
to help. But you pushed him away, and moved to New York, and worked at Gage
Whitney. What a mistake that was! Even though you met that girl, Lisa, and
she was good for you then, she made you smile, she made you feel good, New
York was a terrible place for you!
And a man named Bartlet came along. He's been the saving grace in your
life, Sam. You were so happy when you were campaging for him, even though
your sense of insecurity crept to the surface sometimes. Now, my boy is
working for the president of the United States. I couldn't be prouder.
My heart was in my throat when you were shot at, and then when you sat at
the side of the man who meant so much to you, Josh Lyman, your best friend. I
prayed for both of you, and it turned out okay. You turned out okay, and so
did Josh. Or so we thought. The pain in your eyes as you watched your best
friend fall apart in front of the president made me want to comfort you, but
again, I couldn't. I never could.
If only I could have held you, just once, and told you how much I loved
you. But I couldn't. And the woman who raised you as her son, your
step-mother, did such a wonderful job, and I love her for it. If only I could
have held you. I thought your father would go crazy with grief when I died.
But then he realized he had a baby to care for, and he was a good father to
you. He made his mistakes, yes, he's not a perfect man. But he loved you. And
so do I. I love you, Samuel Norman Seaborn. Even though you don't know me,
don't know who I am, and don't remember me, please always know, I love you.

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