Falling into the Unknown

Dallas


Sam sighed, staring at the picture of Water Lilies, by Monet. He chewed
on his pizza reflectively, thinking that his life was like a Monet. From the
distance, he had everything. He had a wonderful job. He had a nice car. He
had a nice apartment. He wore nice clothes. He was attractive. But inside,
close up, he was a mess, falling down a deep mine shaft of depression, and he
didn't know if he could climb out.

He thought back on his life, on everything that had happened. He thought
back to the people and women he had known. God, the women. From his Nana, who
had always comforted him, to Ainsley Hayes, the Republican who kicked his ass
on national TV. Sam was sure that every woman was beautiful, in their own
way. His mother had a big heart and a kind smile. His grandmother, Nana, had
been smart and witty. Then there had been Christina Parker in 6th grade. She
had been the prettiest girl he'd ever seen, with a smile that would not quit.
And the string of girls in high school, that he'd had crushed on, and flirted
with.

As he thought about the women in his life, he inevitably came to Lisa.
God, his Lisa. She had been so beautiful, and kind, and smart, and she had
died. And for a few years, he stopped caring and loving. He closed his eyes
and leaned back against the couch, remembering how her blond hair had shone
in the sun, and then remembering the bloodcurdling scream as their car had
been slammed into, sending them spinning into a tree. He shook his head
against the painful memories.

He looked down at the book of famous painters and sighed. Mallory's idea
of a good gift. Mal was a whole other problem. He was attracted to her, yes.
But she was with that. . . hockey guy. And so she was history. And then
Laurie. Grief, Laurie. What a woman. And he meant that in several different
ways. She was good in bed, she was smart, and she made him laugh. But she was
over now, just like Mallory. In the past.

Now, Mallory's dad was a man he admired. Leo McGarry had dealt with his
struggles and he had won. And when Mallory had told him that he was just like
Leo, he had never been prouder. He truly did admire Leo. Maybe even thought
of him like a father. Which was more then he could say for his own dad. His
own jackass of a father.

He felt a hot, searing anger towards his father. But more so towards
himself. The fact that he had been so naive all those years, and thought that
everything was perfect angered him. Maybe if he had been better... A better
son to his father, then it wouldn't have happened. Everyone always told him
that he was a "Chip off the old block''. Well, what a block he was chipped
from. His father was a bastard, who had hurt his mother hatefully, and
humiliated her publicly. He felt bile rise in his throat, and pushed his
pizza aside, sighing. He wanted someone to talk to, but had no one to call.

That really was his problem. He felt alone. He felt like he had nothing.
He had things, but he had no one. His best friend had pulled away after
almost dying. He didn't know who to call, he didn't know who to go to. He
needed someone, but he didn't know who. After a moment of hesitation, he
picked up the phone and dialed slowly, thinking that maybe CJ. . . No. He
hung up quickly and stared at the wall. He was slipping away, into an unknown
place, somewhere he'd never been. He just hoped someone would find him.

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