Still His Son
Debbie
Sam unlocked the front door to his apartment, then kicked it open so
Josh could step into it before him. Once Josh passed through, Sam
stepped in behind him and pulled the door shut. He tugged his coat
off, hung it on the rack next to the door, and followed Josh into the
living room.
Josh had driven Sam home. For once in their long friendship, Josh
hadn't been drunk when they left the bar. Sam wasn't drunk but he was
just very tired. The last week had been rough and this evening hadn't
done anything to help matters.
Josh was standing next to the couch. He had taken his coat off and
was shrugging out of his suit jacket. He turned to Sam and grinned.
"Sam, I'm just saying, don't you think that I deserve some kind of
acknowledgement that I'm fully functional and we needed to carry Toby
out to the cab."
Sam groaned. The whole drive home Josh had informed him that
apparently everyone in the West Wing was wrong. Josh was at the bar
forty-five minutes before Sam arrived. In that time, Josh had
consumed one beer. After Sam joined them Josh drank two more beers,
and he was not drunk. Since he thought this was a incredible feat
even for someone who did not have what Donna insisted on calling
a `Delicate System', maybe he deserved an apology of some sort from
everyone who had ever snickered at him about his so-called `Delicate
System'.
Sam hadn't said anything about the situation on the way home, he'd
just hoped Josh would shut up about it when they got to his place.
But from the looks of it, Josh wasn't ready to let it go.
"No, Josh, I really don't. Toby got us all kicked out of the place.
It's a nice place. We probably won't be able to go back in there
anytime soon."
Before they had left, a few WTO protesters from the Demonstration had
come into the place. Toby had been good at first; he'd ignored them
until one of the young protestors recognized him. Then Toby had
proceeded to show the young man how they had done it `back in his
day'. It hadn't take long for the Manager to come over and ask them
all to leave.
"Why did we start going to the new place anyway? I liked the old
place; it was cozy and quiet. We didn't have to worry about anyone
kicking us out either."
Sam shook his head at Josh and took off his suit Jacket. This
conversation was rapidly giving him a headache. He turned went into
the kitchen, well aware that Josh was following him. He picked up the
half-empty bottle of aspirin that he kept by the sink, opened it, and
shook out two tablets. Sam filled a glass with water and swallowed
the aspirin.
Josh cleared his throat and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.
Josh wanted to know how he was. That was the real reason he had taken
him home.
Sam had tried to convince Josh, that he was okay and he didn't need
anyone to, as Josh had said earlier, tuck him into bed. No one had
asked him anything when he arrived at the bar.
"So, how did the talk with your father go?" Josh asked softly.
Sam turned and leaned against his counter so he could look at the far
wall and not at Josh. He didn't know if he was entirely ready for
this conversation. He had talked to his dad for almost thirty
minutes. The entire time Sam was on the phone with him, he had been
mad at him. Nothing his father had said made any difference. The only
thing that kept running through his mind was, `How could he do this
to me?'
"He told me he was sorry, he said he hadn't meant to hurt me. He
tried to say that he wanted to be the one to tell me. He thought
maybe my mother had given me the wrong idea. I think at first that
was what he was most concerned about. If mom had given me some
horrible story instead of the truth."
Sam shook his head slowly and thought about how strange his father
had sounded. Sam thought he would sound guilty or at the very least
sorry, but he had sounded like he always had sounded. Sam guessed
that after twenty-eight years someone would have lots of practice
sounding normal. Whatever normal was, when you were telling lies to
your family that is.
"I asked him if he had really just blurted it out in front of God and
everyone. He said he had. He tried to tell me he was sorry about
that, but at least now, it was all out in the open. He told me he had
been trying to figure out a way to come clean about this for a couple
of years now. But, you know what the worst part of all this is?"
Sam was talking fast. He knew he was doing it but he couldn't help
himself. He was trying to get everything out, trying to get rid of
all the things his father had told him so he wouldn't feel this way
anymore.
"Tell me Sam, what's the worst part?"
Sam opened his mouth then shut it again. Just like that the anger had
gone away. He didn't feel angry anymore. All he felt now was defeated
and sad. Sam sighed deeply and looked up at Josh.
Josh had a peculiar look on his face. He looked both concerned and a
little sad at the same time. Josh was his best friend. Sam knew he
could tell Josh anything. The question was, would Josh understand
what he had to say?
"When I was a kid, I never understood why he had to be out of town so
much. I mean, I knew he traveled as part of his job. At least, that's
what he always told me. But I guess I always felt cheated. My
friend's fathers didn't travel as much as mine did. I tried to tell
myself that my Dad was more important than theirs was. So, that
worked for a while."
"But then I started trying to think of reasons why he didn't want to
be around. I even thought maybe I just wasn't a good enough reason to
make the extra effort to stay home more often. I use to think up
elaborate stories to tell him when he got back in town after a
business trip, hoping that maybe he would take a little more interest
in me and stay home more often. When I was older, it really didn't
bother me as much. I guess I had kind of given up on him. Or maybe by
that time somewhere deep down I had realized that no matter what I
did something else was more important to him.
"Well when I was on the phone with him tonight, I realized I had been
right all along."
Sam stopped and looked away from Josh toward the refrigerator on the
other side of the room. He remembered what he had thought earlier in
the week about Josh and his dad. How Josh had really loved and
admired his father. Sam felt a sudden rush of jealousy and he was
ashamed.
"What were you right about?"
Sam jerked his stare away from the refrigerator and back to Josh.
Josh was waiting for him to continue. He cleared his throat and
plunged ahead.
"That I really wasn't worth the effort for him, so maybe that's why
he felt he needed to go out and get something he didn't have with us."
Sam saw Josh shift in his seat and knew he was about to tell him he
was wrong. Sam didn't want to hear it he was wrong, because he knew
he was right. Sam rushed to continue before Josh could say anything.
"Up until Tuesday, I thought my childhood had been normal. Don't get
me wrong, it wasn't perfect but at least I thought I knew what it
was. Now I have no idea. I feel like I have been taken out in the
middle of nowhere and dropped along the side of the road. I feel like
I'm all alone."
Sam ran his hand across his face and let he's knees bend so he could
sink to the floor. He looked down at the floor in front of him. Josh
shifted in his chair. Sam heard Josh get up, and felt him step in
front of him.
Sam looked up at his friend. Josh studied him for a second then sunk
down to the floor beside him. They sat shoulder to shoulder and Josh
used his fist to lightly tap Sam's forearm.
"Sam, you were, what, four or five when he started his affair?"
"Four," Sam answered quietly.
"First, no one is very interesting at age four, you just don't do
anything to be interesting. So, if you keep trying to lay some kind
of blame on yourself for any of this, that's just crap. Second, what
your father did was wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, he did. "
Josh was silent for a moment. They sat quietly side by side for a
moment; both were in their own world when Josh suddenly shook Sam's
arm.
"You know what I think? Your biggest problem right now is that you've
finally realized that your Father is human just like the rest of us.
I know you're mad at him now but sooner or later, you've got to
realize that just because he's your Father doesn't make him perfect.
You have to learn to be all right with that and move on."
Sam nodded. He knew Josh was right. Of course, that didn't mean that
he had to forgive his father anytime soon. He just had to realize
sometime in the future the pain he felt in his chest would grow
smaller and then he would be able to look his father in his eye and
forgive him. Sam now knew that it was going to get better. The man
was his Father, and Sam was still his son.
Josh suddenly nudged him with his shoulder "I got to get up. My ass
is getting cold"
Sam chuckled and then climbed to his feet. He grabbed Josh's hand and
helped him stand.
Josh walked across the floor to Sam's refrigerator and pulled it open.
"Hey, you got any beer?"
"No, you are not allowed to have any real beer."
Sam clamped his mouth shut as Josh turned on him. Oh no, he had let
it slip.
"What do you mean `real beer'"?
Sam grinned at his friend, and shook his head. He was trying
desperately not to laugh at Josh's confused look.
"No way. Donna would kill me if I told you. I've had a pretty crappy
week and I could live without Donna either killing me or taking
revenges on me next week."
"Come on, Sam. I helped you now, it's time to pay up."
Sam shook his head and then pursed his lips.
"Josh I don't think you can really compare our problems. Mine is, you
know, important."
Josh scrunched his forehead and gave Sam his patented kicked puppy
dog look.
Sam held up his hands in self-defense. "You have to swear to me that
you won't tell Donna I told you. I mean, we got kicked out of the
place so I guess it's kind of a moot point now."
Josh took a step closer and held up his fingers in an approximation
of the Boy Scout salute. Sam didn't think Josh had ever been a Boy
Scout but he relented anyway.
"Donna knows one of the waitresses at the bar; she brings your first
beer to you like normal. Then all the rest of your beers are non-
alcoholic." Sam grinned at him. " I just can`t believe you fell for
it."
Josh opened his mouth to say something then closed it again. Sam
watched him try to digest what he had just been told. He tried not to
laugh at him; it probably wouldn't help the situation. Donna not only
had a deal with the waitress but she had also made up a elaborate
system of hand signals and plans to ensure that somehow Josh always
went to that bar to drink after work. Donna had trapped Toby, CJ and
himself in his office one day and had explained what she had
called `Project Sober Josh` to them. But somehow Sam didn't think
Josh needed to know that either.
"How could she do that?"
Sam clapped Josh on the back and steered him from his kitchen. "For
some reason I guess she cares what happens to you."
They stopped next to the couch and Sam turned to Josh. He smiled at
him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks."
Josh nodded at him then turned to get his coat. He stopped then and
looked back at Sam. "Do you mind if I sack out on your couch?"
Sam yawned and made a gesture toward the couch. "Of course not, it's
all yours."
Josh nodded to him then went to the couch and sat down. Sam watched
him for a few seconds then turned and headed for his own bedroom. As
he got to his door, he turned to look back. He watched Josh kick off
his shoes an mumble something to himself. Sam smiled then stepped
into his room. At least he wouldn't be alone tonight.
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