Sam Seaborn closed his office door and leaned against it, bone-weary. At least now, he could have some privacy; he'd instructed Cathy not to put any calls through, unless his aunt called again. However, since she had already left her message, he didn't think she would.

His aunt. Sam sighed, wondering if she realized just how much trouble she had caused. Not that it was her fault. No, it was all Toby's fault, he decided. If it hadn't been for Toby, the meeting with the President would have let out about twenty minutes sooner than it had and he would have been in his office when his aunt called. But he hadn't been there, so Cathy had taken the message and he wasn't sure what happened at that point. He knew his assistant wouldn't tell anyone, but somehow CJ heard about it.

There were maybe five seconds between him getting inside his office and her arrival. Only her upcoming press briefing made her finally leave thirty minutes later. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning. In spite of his efforts to look busy, there was a steady stream of visitors offering their condolences. Toby suggested he take the rest of the day off. Finally, needing to escape his office, Sam went to deliver some papers Leo wanted. As soon as he stepped in range, Margaret expressed her sympathy for his loss, which had led to Leo asking what she meant. Sam would have to remember to send Senator Hartley a thank you for the timing of her phone call.

However, Donna was the reason he was hiding in his office. He'd lost count of the number of times she checked on him throughout the day, even bringing him lunch. Then she hugged him, saying he looked like he needed one; Sam had not been able to get back to his office fast enough.

Releasing a sigh, Sam sat down at his desk and glared at the door, as if daring it to open. This morning, coming to work had seemed perfectly logical. If he stayed home, he would have spent the day alone, thinking about Erin. Work was supposed to keep his mind occupied with something else. Instead, he'd spent the day faced with the very thing he wanted to avoid.

Erin. Somehow he thought there'd be more time, he'd been planning on taking some time off to go visit her. Unfortunately one thing had led to another and he still hadn't managed it. She always told him she understood, but....

A noise pulled him from his thoughts and Sam looked up in time to see Josh enter his office and close the door behind him. He'd been friends with Josh for a long time and he recognized the expression on his friend's face; it generally meant Josh was disturbed about something. "Hey, Josh. How did the meeting with Conroy and Macklin go?"

"Fine," Josh replied.

"What's wrong?" If Josh had a problem, Sam was more than willing to help. It would be something else to concentrate on besides Erin and everything else.

"What's wrong?" Josh repeated.

"Yes. You look like you have something on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm fine, Sam. I came to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine," Sam answered automatically. Since he had been caught up in concern for his friend, it took a moment for Josh's comment to fully register. He must be tired not to have made the connection before now, Sam thought to himself, somewhat disgusted by his own slowness. Donna was Josh's assistant; she must have told him. However, it had been much simpler to let himself assume that Josh had a problem, then he didn't have to deal with Josh's concern. "I'm fine, really."

"Sam...." Josh stopped, searching for the right words.

That tone, he hated that tone of voice. He'd heard it all day long, as people expressed their sympathy. There was always that slight hesitation as if they testing the waters, like he was going to have some kind of breakdown. All he wanted was to be treated normally, not like he needed special handling.

"Why didn't you say anything when I saw you this morning?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "You needed your mind on the meeting...."

"I think I could have handled my meeting and hearing about your cousin, Sam."

"It's no big deal. It's not like you knew her."

"I know you," Josh pointed, his voice tinged with frustration. "That's enough for me to want to know about it."

"You know now."

Josh ran his hand through his hair and stared at his friend, shaking his head. "Sam, I would have liked to have heard about it from you, not from Donna."

"It's not like I planned on everyone finding out."

"Why not? We're your friends, we like to know these things. You'd want to know if it was one of us."

"That's diff...."

"Don't even say it, because it isn't. It really isn't. I don't know why you think you have to pretend that nothing has happened, but you don't."

"I'm not pretending anything," Sam denied quickly.

"Sam, you came into work today like you would any other day and didn't mention this to anyone. What would you call it?"

"Doing my job."

"Sam, this isn't like coming to work with a cold!" Josh snapped at him. "You're not expected to just tough it out silently like a good sport."

"I'm fine."

"No. You're hoping if you say it enough it will be true. I know you were close to Erin...."

"I don't know why everyone wants to make a big deal out of this. People die everyday."

"Yes, but not someone you know. We just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine!" Sam shouted, standing up. "I was fine the first hundred times I was asked that question and I'm fine now!"

"Sam...." Josh moved towards his friend.

"Don't say my name like I'm some five-year-old who doesn't understand that concept of death. I understand it, okay?"

"Sam, why don't you sit down and we'll talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about. I just want everyone to stop acting like I'm going to have a breakdown any second now."

"Sam, you need to calm down-"

"I am calm!" During this time, Sam had been methodically placing files in his briefcase. The longer he stayed here, the more they were driving him crazy. At least at home, he wouldn't have to deal with it and he might be able to get some work done.

"We can go somewhere else and talk about this-"

"I don't want to talk about this! I just want to go home where hopefully I will not be interrupted every ten seconds by someone asking me how I am and then assuming I'm lying because they don't like my answer!"

"Sam, we just want to help."

"If you want to help, let Toby know I've left for the day and I'll see him tomorrow," Sam said. Not giving Josh a chance to respond, he gathered up what he needed and opened his door, pulling away when Josh reached out to grab his arm.

Josh took a few seconds to try to figure out what had just happened before exiting Sam's office, only marginally surprised to find the others waiting just outside the door. They had to have heard the shouting, which was something they couldn't ignore. It wasn't that raised voices were unusual in the West Wing, just raised voices coming from Sam's office. Sam usually left the yelling for the rest of them. Since he wasn't quite sure what had just happened, Josh wasn't sure what to tell them and he knew they were going to want answers. Answers they'd expect him to have and he didn't.

"Hi," he said weakly.

"What just happened in there?" Toby demanded, not bothering with the pleasantries.

"Sam asked me to tell you that he's left for the day and he'll see you tomorrow," Josh reported, deciding to deliver his friend's message.

"That's not exactly what I meant."

"I didn't think so."

"Your efforts at humor are not amusing."

"Trust me, I'm not trying to be funny."

"Is Sam okay?" CJ asked, not giving them a chance to get distracted.

Josh sent her an incredulous look. "It depends on your definition of okay."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. What did it sound like to you?" Josh wasn't intentionally being difficult, he just needed time to sort everything out. He couldn't ever remember Sam reacting like this before and his mind couldn't quite accept that it had really happened.

"What did you say to set him off?"

"I asked him how he was doing." He decided not to take offense at her assumption that he had done something. "He told me he was fine, a point he kept repeating at every opportunity. Then I mentioned Erin, which is, apparently, where I went wrong." There was no reason to mention that he'd gotten short with Sam first; he felt bad as it was, he didn't need them voicing their opinions of his stupidity.

"And he just started yelling at you?" CJ pressed him. "This is Sam we're talking about."

"People don't always act like we expect when they're going through a stressful time," Leo interjected. "Do you think he's okay by himself?"

Josh nodded. "I think he just needs some space. It's obviously upset him more than he wants to admit." He began moving towards his office, not caring if they were done or not. It had suddenly occurred to him that Sam probably wouldn't appreciate them discussing this where anyone could overhear and he didn't really want to talk about it anymore. "Did you need something, CJ?" he asked, realizing that she was following him.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not the one you should be worried about."

"I don't think I've ever heard Sam yell before."

"It was a new one for me, too," Josh replied with a wry smile. He glanced around, wondering where Donna had gone; he'd seen her standing at the edge of the group when he'd emerged from Sam's office. Not that he needed her for anything, it was simply habit to talk to her when he returned to his office.

"You going to go to his place after you finish for the day?"

"After he yelled at me that he was fine and didn't want to talk about it? Of course."

CJ nodded, satisfied with his answer. "I'll let you get to work, so you can get out of here."

Sitting down at his desk, Josh opened one of the many files piled on his desktop, and started leafing through it before he pushed it away. There was no way he was going to be able to get any work done now. Sam. That's all he had been able to think about since he'd returned from his meeting and Donna had told him the news. He'd never met Erin, but he'd heard Sam talk about her enough to know she wasn't some distant cousin Sam rarely visited. When he'd gone to find Sam, Josh wasn't sure what he was going to say, but he wanted to be there, just in case Sam needed him.

Running a hand through his hair, Josh sighed. That conversation certainly hadn't gone the way he'd expected. Well, he'd expected Sam to insist he was fine; it seemed to be his automatic response whenever he had a problem. However, in the past when he didn't want to talk about something, Sam just shut up, assuming that he couldn't change the subject first. He'd never started shouting before and Josh didn't know what to make of it. Beyond the obvious fact that it meant Sam wasn't dealing with this as well as he wanted people to think.

With that thought firmly in mind, Josh decided he had more important things to do than work. It wasn't like he had anything pressing to do and Leo would understand when he told him where he was going. Sam needed him, even if he didn't realize it yet. There was no way he was going to let his friend be alone tonight; he knew how Sam's mind worked and, in this situation, the results would not be good. Sam could guilt trip himself better than anyone else Josh knew, so Josh had no doubt that it wouldn't take his friend long to assume responsibility for his cousin's death.

Sam opened the door, not sure what to expect, since no one had contacted him on the intercom. "Josh."

"Your neighbor came in at the same time I did. She said she'd save you the trouble of having to let me in," Josh explained.

"How nice of her," Sam responded with a hint of sarcasm. It had to be Mrs. Graham, who tended to be rather lax about security issues and had met Josh on previous visits. She was one of the few people in the building Sam knew, since he wasn't around very much.

"Mind if I come in?"

Stepping aside was an automatic response, even though Sam didn't really want any company at the moment. "What do you want?"

"To make sure you're okay."

He wasn't going to start that again, was he? "I'm fine. Anything else?"

"I don't think you should be alone right now."

"I'm fine."

"Sam, your place smells like you've had a recent visit from Mister Clean," Josh informed him. "I know you weren't working on any speeches last night."

"I don't only clean when I'm writing."

"I know. You also clean when you're upset about something."

Okay, he'd walked right into that one. "Why are you here?" he asked, watching as Josh took off his coat and hung it on the rack by the door. “Feel free to make yourself at home," Sam added under his breath.

"Because I'm your friend and I want to help," Josh responded.

"Haven't we already had this discussion?"

"Not really. You left in the middle of it."

"Did you ever think there was a reason for that?" Sam demanded. "Like maybe I wanted to be left alone."

"Sometimes what we want and what we need are two different things."

"I know how to take care of myself, Josh. I've been doing it for quite awhile now."

"I never said you couldn't. I just don't think you should be trying to handle this on your own."

"There's nothing to handle, so you don't need to stay."

"Sam, I know you and I know how your mind works. I'm not leaving until we talk about this."

"You are aware that this is my apartment, aren't you? And that I didn't exactly invite you over."

"Yes, but that's the nice thing about being best friends, Sam. I don't feel obligated to call first."

"If I'd wanted company, I would have stayed at work," Sam informed him sharply. Unable to take the intensity of his friend's concern, Sam picked up the mail he'd dropped on the table by the couch earlier and began idly sorting through it.

"If you'd really wanted to be alone today, you would have called in," Josh observed.

"Oh, are you a psychiatrist now?" Sam put the mail back on the table and began moving around his living room, needing to find an outlet for the nervous energy that was building up. Unfortunately, the sparse furnishings in this room gave him little to do, as he had straightened everything earlier.

"It's not that hard to figure out. There's nothing wrong with needing to be around your friends at a time like this."

"At a time like this?" Sam repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

"You know, Josh, I just really want to be alone right now."

"That's too bad. I happen to think that's the last thing you need right now."

"And you know what's best for me?"

"In this instance, yes."

"Does the fact I don't agree with your assessment mean anything to you?"

"Not really. I might find you more convincing if you'd stop pacing around the living room and trying to avoid this conversation."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Of course not." Josh stepped in front of his friend, so that Sam was forced to stop moving.

"Why can't you leave this alone?" Sam turned away and headed for his bedroom.

"Like you left it alone after my father died?" Josh countered.

"I don't ever recall going over to your place and refusing to leave." Sam started to straighten the items on his dresser.

"If you'd thought it was the only way to get me to listen, you would have. Besides, we were sharing a room at the time."

"What's this have to do with you being here now?"

"Because when my father died and I returned to the campaign, you were there for me. When everyone else was tiptoeing around me, not sure how I was going to react, you treated me like you always had and you let me know when I was being an idiot."

"You weren't being an idiot."

"Yes, I was. I was just being allowed to get away with it because no one knew what to do."

"They weren't going to let you get away with it too much longer," Sam assured him quickly. The conversation was moving to safer ground in his opinion and he wanted to keep it there. "That, and CJ and Toby thought it was just your real personality emerging."

"I didn't even realize what I was doing. I was just working, like I always did. Then someone decided to volunteer us for a road trip."

"A change of scenery seemed like a good idea."

"Yes, I know. You explained it all to me in great detail. Do you remember what you told me when I said I didn't think it was such a great idea and why couldn't one of the others make the trip?" Josh paused for several moments, giving Sam a chance to respond.

For his part, Sam became very intent on smoothing out the wrinkles on his bed and not looking anywhere near Josh's direction. He should have known better than to let things go this far.

"You told me that you weren't really interested in my opinion and that you were doing this for my own good. I believe you also added that I would thank you for it later," Josh reminded him.

"That was different."

"How? The only difference I see is that at least I was releasing some of the emotions I was feeling instead of trying to repress all of them."

"Talking isn't going to change the final result. Erin's still dead," Sam stated bluntly.

"I know and I'm sorry, but ignoring it doesn't change things either. You don't have to handle this on your own."

"What do you want me to say, Josh?" Sam demanded heatedly. "That the last time I was supposed to go see her, I canceled?" Sam froze as he realized what he'd just said. He desperately wanted the words back, because then he could go back to pretending everything was all right. Wanting to avoid the sympathetic expression on Josh's face, Sam rushed out of the bedroom, before realizing that he really had nowhere to go.

Unable to figure out what else to do, Sam went to his kitchen. It was always the first place he started when he was having difficulty with a speech and needed to clear his mind. Scrubbing the sink had proven to be remarkably therapeutic. His movements in the kitchen were automatic as he pulled out the supplies he needed.

"Oh no, you don't," Josh said, grabbing the cleanser out of his hands and setting it on the counter. "Your kitchen is clean enough and we've come too far for me to let you shut down now."

"Josh...." Sam wasn't sure what he was going to say because he had the feeling that it didn't matter. Josh had that look on his face that he got when he was determined about something and not about to let it go until he had resolved it to his satisfaction.

"Let's go sit down," Josh suggested, gently pulling on Sam's arm to get him moving.

It seemed easier just to follow his friend than to argue about it and Sam didn't really have the energy to resist anyway. Thus he found himself sitting on his couch, with Josh next to him, trying to figure out just when he'd lost control of the situation.

"When were you supposed to see Erin?"

"What?"

"You said the last time you were supposed to see her, you canceled. When was that?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders, hoping if he ignored the question, Josh would move on to something else.

"The silent treatment didn't work last time," Josh reminded him, "and it's not going to work this time either."

"Do you ever give up?" Sam did not bother to hide the exasperation in his voice.

"Not when it's important. Now, stop trying to change the subject and answer the question."

"I was supposed to see her at Christmas."

"The trip to Bermuda."

"What about it?"

"You were supposed to see her on that trip."

"Her father had a fit when she announced she was going to law school."

"A lot of parents don't approve of their children's career choices."

"He has certain...issues...with lawyers."

"Did he get over it?"

"In his own way."

"Oh?" Josh prompted, curious.

"Erin really liked her job. She was good at it too." Sam didn't really want to talk about his uncle right now, since Josh would probably make a big deal out of it. "When we were in law school, we used to call each other to compare notes on who had it worse. She was a year behind me, so I could usually convince her I was more overworked. Erin claimed it was cheaper than therapy." Sam sighed as he remembered the phone calls and how they had become more infrequent as both of them had gotten busier.

"I'm sorry I never met her."

"She wanted to meet you," Sam told him with a faint smile.

"Why?"

"She wanted to meet the man who saved me from 'working myself into a perpetual state of boredom'," Sam replied. "Erin thought you saved me from myself by coming to get me."

"Then she approved of your career change?"

"She's the first person I told that I left Gage Whitney. I knew she'd understand." Sam rested his head on the back of the couch, closing his eyes. Maybe he had talked enough to satisfy Josh's desire to share, because he was extremely tired and he didn't want to discuss this anymore.

"Then I'm sure she understood when you couldn't make it to Bermuda," Josh remarked, returning to the original subject of conversation.

"I put my job first."

"It's not like you're clerking at the local 7-11, where anyone could have filled in, and I bet she recognized that fact."

"I knew she was sick. I should have gone to see her. If not then, I should have made time to go." Sam reached up and angrily brushed away the tears that had started to fall. He wasn't going to do this, not now.

Josh caught the movement, but didn't comment on it, instead he reached out and squeezed Sam's shoulder. "I'm sure she knew that you wanted to be there with her."

"I should...."

"Sam, I know how you feel. I regretted the fact that I wasn't with my dad when he died and that I hadn't seen more of him. However, he knew what I was doing was important and he approved of it, a lot more than he did when I was with Hoynes. Yes, if I had known for sure what was going to happen, I might have gone home, but there was no way to know. I know you and I know that you didn't intentionally stay away from Erin. If she's half the person you've always told me about, she knew it too and she would have supported the fact that you had to stay and do your job. She didn't die thinking you put your job ahead of her, no matter what anyone else might have said to the contrary."

The silence stretched as Sam considered his friend's words and their striking familiarity to another conversation. Only then he'd been the one saying the words. "It's not the same thing," he mumbled, standing up and beginning to pace again.

"Yes, it is," Josh insisted. "You can't blame yourself for not being there. It's not like you didn't have any contact with her, right?"

"After she got sick, we started talking on the phone every week. Sam stopped in front of the window and stared outside, as if hoping to find some kind of guidance in the darkness.

"Then she knew you cared, Sam," Josh said as he closed the distance between them. "Just because you weren't in the same room with her doesn't mean you weren't there for her. It doesn't mean you loved her any less or that you don't have the right to mourn her. It also doesn't mean that you have to deal with this alone."

"I should have made time to visit," Sam whispered.

"When? I know what your schedule's been like since Christmas. We've all barely had time to sleep." Grabbing Sam's shoulder, Josh turned him so that they were facing each other. "If your positions were reversed, if you had been the one who was sick and Erin hadn't been able to come see you, would you have blamed her?"

Sam wanted to look away, but found that he couldn't. Josh stared at him, waiting for his answer. "No."

"Would you have thought that she didn't care? Would you have wanted her to feel guilty?" Josh persisted. "Then shouldn't you give her the same trust?" he continued, when Sam shook his head. "If things were different and you wouldn't want her beating herself up in your position, then why can't you believe she wouldn't want you to do that now?"

Sam contemplated what Josh said for several minutes. "You don't play fair."

"I do whatever is necessary when it comes to my friends," Josh responded. "You should know that by now."

"I do."

"Good."

For the first time since Josh's arrival, the silence that fell between the two was comfortable. "Josh, about this afternoon...in my office...," Sam started, feeling a little guilty about his earlier outburst.

"It's okay."

"It wasn't you," Sam added earnestly. "It just sort of happened. I don't know why."

"Because you needed the release," Josh responded. "Don't worry about it; I understand. Besides, if you can't blow off steam with your friends, who can you do it with?"

"The others must have thought I'd lost my mind," Sam commented as he recalled the people standing outside his office when he left. He vaguely remembered hearing one or two of them call his name.

"They were a little surprised," Josh agreed with a wry smile. "However, I think they'll get over it."

Sam decided now was a good time to change the subject. "I suppose since you're here, you expect me to feed you." He no longer wanted to be alone, and offering dinner was easier than admitting that fact directly.

"It's my turn to buy," Josh replied. "After we eat, we can watch some television. I won't even complain about those weird shows on Discovery that you find endlessly fascinating."

"Your friendship really knows no bounds, does it?" Although Sam's voice held an edge of humor in it, the expression on his face was totally serious.

"Not really," Josh confirmed. "Now tell me what you want to eat."