Eternity


Kasey


She's already gone when we get there.

Just like that - we enter and the doctor puts his hand on Sam's shoulder and says "I'm so sorry" and…she's gone.

We drove like mad to get here - I think I broke many many traffic laws but Sam was in no condition to drive, so I had to - but I wasn't about to delay for stupid things like red lights.

But now it doesn't matter 'cause she's already gone.

Sam's face does this funny little thing when the doctor tells him - like his mouth's made of rubber. It just sorta…goes in all kinds of shapes…and he's swallowing really hard and it looks like the veins might just pop out of his forehead. He spins on his heels and I'm right behind him and he hugs me so tightly I think he might be breaking a couple of ribs…

Then he's off like a shot.

The fact that I come up with that metaphor first scares me and puts the idea in my head - you don't think he would…

No. No. He couldn't - he wouldn't. This is SAM. He's a helluva lot smarter than that.

But what's intelligence mean when you've got no one to share it with? To share anything with?

I race after him as fast as I can but he's got a decent head start and the elevator closes with him in it before I can get there. So it takes me a little while to find him, and the entire time my mind's racing. 'Cause Sam may be a smart guy but that doesn't mean he can't be impulsive from time to time.

I finally find him on the roof, smoking a cigarette he got from who-knows-where. He's sitting near the edge, staring out at the cityscape. "Sam?" I say quietly, because I'm liable to startle him in the cool stillness, and that would be…that would be very very bad. He's close enough to the edge that he might just…lose his balance.

It's not like Sam's never lost his balance before.

"What?" he mutters between drags on his cigarette.

I don't know what makes me say it next - it's not like I'm trying to be witty or avoid the subject, it just sorta…flies out. "When'd ya start smoking again?"

He gives me this look that says, literally, 'what the hell?', then shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "What's it matter?"

"It's gonna be okay," I offer quietly. She told me to help him, goddamn it, I'm gonna try.

"Easy for you to say," he says with a slight glower as he continues to look out at the city.

"I lost her too, Sam-"

"She wasn't yours to lose." He's literally glaring at me now - and there's this dangerous glitter to his eyes that's starting to scare me. And I can't help but think that he could be one of them. One of those people you read about in the newspapers who becomes a serial killer after the death of their wife or someone close to them. "She wasn't yours to lose," he repeats.

"She was like a little sister to me, Sam, of course she was mine to lose. And I know it hurts - I know. I do."

"You're goddamn right it does." He finishes the cigarette and looks around. "You don't by chance have a…"

"I don't smoke, you know that. Neither do you, remember?"

"Lisa hated it. 'Cause her father died of lung cancer."

"Yeah," I say quietly. He's acting like he's angry she never let him smoke - he's never smoked in all the time I'VE known him. A cigar during card games, but that's IT.

"Yeah," he says as his only response, grinding out the cigarette butt on the roof, and I suddenly think maybe he's gonna start a fire or something by accident…only maybe it wouldn't be an accident from his point of view.

I'm still pondering that when I notice he's stood up. And looking over the edge of the building - not at the city, at the GROUND-

"Sam, don't even consider-"

"Too late," he says with a sort of laugh.

"Don't you dare-"

"You wanna dare me? Go 'head."

"Bad wording…Sam…don't do this."

"Oh, and why the hell not?"

"Because…Because, Sam."

"That's not reason enough anymore. Maybe it woulda been…maybe…but it's not."

"Don't do this."

"I've got nothing left, Josh, I…I just have nothing left anymore," he finishes quietly. He's rocking back and forth a little, and I go grab his arm. Maybe so he won't fall. Maybe so he realizes I'm here. "All the details are in the will, bury me with her and mourn us both."

"SAM!" I can't take any more of it. "Listen to me. You're in pain and it doesn't take a genius to see that…" he starts to struggle. "For the love of God, listen to me! I **know** it hurts, I know you don't believe me, but I know what you're going through - when my father died, I thought it was over, I thought there was nothing worth-"

"You at least still had your mom."

"And you still have me!"

There's a silence. "I'm sorry, Josh," he murmurs, looking forlornly at the sidewalk, then up at the stars, then at the sidewalk once more. "I'm sorry I have to do this to you."

"She'll hate you for this," I say in a once more calm voice. "She'll be pissed as hell at you for this. Probably won't even speak at you once you get to wherever you end up. Plus, rumours have it, at least, that suicide's a mortal sin. So you may go to all this trouble so you get to go see her and not get to anyway."

"Go away from me-"

He's getting angry that I'm finding flaws in his hastily constructed plan. "She'll **hate** you, Sam, this is the last thing you want, and you know how she gets when she's angry. I sure wouldn't wanna do that to her."

"How the hell would you know what she wants?" he asks tersely.

"Because she told me, and she told me to watch out for you, so she's gonna be pissed at me, too…Why make her unreasonably pissed? You don't want her pissed at you for all Eternity, do you?"

He's breathing all funny - in heaves, like he can't catch his breath or something, and for a moment I'm afraid he'll end up hyperventilating and falling off the building anyway. "…Sam…please…" I plead quietly. "…She never would want you to do something like this…respect her wishes…" …and my own, I add silently, because he's not about to respect my wishes if he's not gonna respect hers. He would've done anything for her.

Let's hope he'll still do anything for her.

And suddenly-

He's not standing anymore, he's on his knees at my feet, sobbing like a child.

"Wh-why did you leave m-me? God, Lisa, **why**?" He stares up at the sky, and, in the moonlight, I can see the tears glistening on his cheeks.

I kneel before him and hug him, the way he hugged me before I left for the airport after the Illinois Primary. I don't say a word - I can't. What is there to say, after all, to your best friend who's just lost so much? A couple tears of my own slip out…she was a good little sister, and so good to Sam… "C'mon," I murmur quietly. "Let's go inside - you'll catch pneumonia or something."

"Thanks, Mom," he muttered. "Oh, God, I've gotta call her…"

"Worry about that later," I suggest. "Let's get you home." Truth be told, I am sounding like a mother hen or something.

"I-I-I-…I can't…it's-…I can't go home without Lisa…"

Damn. It was THEIR apartment. No getting around that one. "You can stay with me, though, right? In my hotel? Like on the campaign?"

He doesn't take note of my placating voice, the fact that I'm speaking to him like a child or something. He simply gives a weak nod.

"Let's go," I say quietly, standing and offering him my hand. He stands on wobbly legs and we make our way to the door that will take us downstairs - he's not really walking, more like leaning on me as I walk.

"I miss her, Josh," he murmurs as I open the door and the blast of warm air hits us.

I know he misses her. I miss her too. And with time, that will dull. But we will still miss her, until Eternity.


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