Wherever You Will Go
Kasey
"Come in," I call quietly.
"How did you know I was here?"
"I heard your shoes?"
"You heard my shoes?" He looks down at his tennis shoes.
"My senses are sharpened, what can I say?"
"I thought that was when you lost a sense."
"Or when you're staring at the same damn four walls, ceiling, and floor all
day for weeks. No visual stimulus." I smile what once might have passed as
a jovial smile, but he knows I'm not really amused by the idea anyway. He
gives me the usual chaste kiss on the cheek before sitting down. "So you
heard I wanted to see you."
"Yeah, I…wasn't sure about what, but I…"
"I wanna talk to you about Sam."
"What about him?"
"He's taking all this really hard."
"Of course he is."
"It's gonna get worse."
"Lise-"
"He's not gonna be able to get over my death easily."
"Lisa!"
"I'm sick of not saying it, Josh, it was fine in the beginning when we
weren't saying it in hopes it wouldn't happen - look at me. It's gonna
happen. Let's not lie to ourselves." He looks like I struck him or
something. "I want you to take care of him."
"That's your job."
"Listen to me. He's not gonna eat unless you force him to, he's gonna have
nightmares, he's gonna probably even cry which he's gonna hate admitting to
but he's going to. You're like a brother to him - to both of us. I want you
to watch out for him."
"Please…"
"Don't let him turn down the job in the White House 'cause he's too busy
grieving over me. The distraction'll help, I think, and besides. It's what
he's worked for. It's what I want. I'm gonna tell him as much."
"You won't get a chance - he won't let you get past saying the word 'death'."
"This is reality, Josh, welcome to it."
"Lisa." He pauses a second and I don't speak. "When did you get so
hardened?"
"Am I being callous? I'm sorry, it must be this thing growing in my head."
"Lisa!"
"Are you gonna take care of him or not?"
"…Don't do this…"
"Don't do what? Make sure he's taken care of? He's sure as hell gonna need
somebody, Josh, 'cause I can't be there. He needs somebody NOW and I'm not
doing much to help even though I'm trying my damndest, I need-" I close my
eyes and take a deep breath. "I need to know he's gonna be looked out for.
That you're not gonna let him self-destruct. Because he will if no one's
watching. He'll just refuse to eat, he'll refuse to sleep, and eventually
it'll end up killing him. Which will be what he wants, but it's not what I
want so you're gonna tell him that much."
He pauses a second. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I'll…don't worry, Lise, I'll
look out for him."
"Good." I smile. "I needed to-…I needed to know he would be. I love him,
y'know."
"I heard that rumour," he said with a smile, his dimples showing just
slightly. "I should go."
"It's fine."
"You need to rest."
"You're starting to sound like him, y'know."
"You should be considering that a good thing."
"It is a good thing, in a creepy, Freudian sort of way."
He laughs. "I'll send 'im in."
"He's here already?"
"He was here before, you were asleep, I drug him down to get food in the
mess."
"Ah. Yeah, if you could…"
"Sam coming right up."
A few minutes later, he walks in, and I can see the look on his face
immediately - the one he has when he's trying to be brave and not cry because
he knows if he starts crying it'll make me start up again.
We learned that at the first doctor's appointment.
"Hey, Honey, how ya feelin'?"
"I'm okay," I say, like I always do, because it's what I'm supposed to say -
if I say something else, he gets all worried. "How are you?"
"I'm okay," he says, like he always does, pulling the chair closer to the bed
and sitting, taking my left hand and playing with it - he likes to see the
diamond ring glitter. He spent enough money on the damn thing, he'd better
like how it looks on my hand.
I keep insisting he should keep it, but he won't hear of it. He keeps saying
"It's yours, Lisa, it belongs to you until you don't want it anymore…"
"Sam, we've gotta talk."
"About what?" he asks, not meeting my eyes.
"Sam," I say, more sharply than I mean to, but he looks up and meets my gaze.
"I want you to hear me out, okay?"
"Of course."
"I talked to Josh. I told him I want him to look after you once I'm gone."
"Lisa!"
"We can't keep pretending, Sam. I'm dying. I don't have long. We both know
it. Josh knows it, too. It's not something we can ignore forever."
"We can-"
"And address it when? When I'm dead?" He flinches, like I hit him or
something. "…I will be, Sam," I murmur. "I can't change that as much as I
want to, and we can't pretend forever."
~~~~~
So lately been wondering
Who will be there to take my place?
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
~~~~~
He struggles for a moment with words, then speaks. "Lisa…don't do this…"
"Don't do what?" I ask quietly.
"Don't-…don't give up hope like this, you can still-"
"I can still have a couple weeks."
"You can have longer-"
"No, I can't," I murmur, but with a very slight edge of force to my voice. I
can't have more time. We both know that. We both wish it was different.
But it's not.
"…I love you…" he says, like that would make a difference.
It makes a difference to me. But not to Fate.
"I love you too," I whisper, tears choking me like they so often do, and I
catch sight of my ring, nestled between his fingers as he holds my hand
tightly, like I won't die if he holds on tightly enough.
That right meant so much the night I received it. It meant the future. It
meant everything I could ever want or need or hope to have. And I cried
tears of joy as he placed it on my hand and kissed me, right there in the
restaurant, which he rarely did.
And I couldn't help but think that I would be happy for the rest of my life
married to him. That everything would be perfect.
I learned just how wrong I was six weeks later.
~~~~~
If a greater wave shall fall
It'll fall upon us all
With those dreams that are set in stone
Could you make it on your own?
~~~~~
And, for the first time since the initial diagnosis, the dam breaks. He
keeps opening his mouth very slightly, like he wants to say something but
doesn't know what, then his eyes start watering as his chin begins to quiver.
In my arm is a morphine drip IV. I pull it out, not giving a damn that it
hurts or that it leaves a small trail of blood running down my arm. I move
to the edge of my bed and I hug him tightly. He clings to me. "…Don't go…"
he whispers in a hoarse voice, begging for me to stay.
"I wish I could," I whisper back as tears of my own begin to flow.
~~~~~
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
~~~~~
"You can't-…you can't leave me like this, Lisa, don't do this, please don't
do this…"
As though it's my choice to leave. As though I would rather die than live.
"Don't do this to me, please don't go, don't GO…"
He's starting to sound like a child now. Like a child I can never have.
Like a son I will never know.
I had it all planned out, y'know? Where we'd live and our kids names
and…hell, what the kids would look like, even. My hair - now gone from the
surgery they tried to do that failed - and his eyes and tanned skin and…it
would've been so perfect. So incredibly Leave it to Beaver. He would get
home - albeit late - and I would have dinner on the table for him and he'd go
kiss the kids goodnight…
And now he's gonna be going home to an empty apartment if he goes home at all.
The thing is…and this is weird for me, but it's what's going through my mind
all the time now…I actually find myself wanting him to marry someone. To
find someone else who can make him happy and…and give him kids and a reason
to keep going, even if I can't.
It'd make me happy to see that…I mean, this is all assuming that the things I
learned as a little girl in Sunday School are real and I'll end up in a nice
white kingdom with wings, maybe, and I'll watch over him…his guardian angel…
~~~~~
And maybe I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
~~~~~
"You…you won't have anyone to watch out for you like I do…"
"I'll be okay. And so will you, in time," I say in what I hope is a
hope-inspiring voice. "And you'll meet someone else - I want you to. I
really do."
"I-…I won't. I can't."
"Yes. You can and you will. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life
mourning me- it's not healthy, it's not right."
"But I love you…I love you so damn much it hurts, Lisa…"
"I know, Love, I love you too."
"…We were supposed to spend forever together…"
And I wanna say "No kidding, Sam, I know that, I want it just as much as you
do, you moron! I'm not choosing to leave to try and get away from you, and I
hate it just as much as you do - no, wait, I hate it MORE 'cause guess what:
It's ME who's dying! You at least get to LIVE a little while longer -
probably more like 30 or 40 or 50 YEARS! I don't even get that many DAYS!"
But I don't say anything. I simply nod against his shoulder.
~~~~~
If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
~~~~~
You stole my heart, Sam Seaborn, I loved you from the day I met you, freshman
year at Princeton, I accidentally went to the wrong room and happened in on
Debate Team practice and saw you and…I have loved you ever since. I will
always love you, I promise you that, I will never ever stop loving you, no
matter how long it is before I see you again…I love you, I love you so much…
~~~~~
Run away with my heart
Run away with my heart
Run away with my heart
~~~~~
Very slowly, I pull away from him and he looks alarmed. Before he can ask if
I'm okay, I speak. "You keep insisting I keep my engagement ring…"
"It belongs to you, it's yours, it…"
Carefully, I take off the one other ring I wear - one I wear on my left hand
that my mother gave me as a graduation present when I graduated from
Princeton. I press the ring into his hand. He looks down at it, then up at
me. "I want you to have it. It'll do me no good."
"Lisa…"
"I'm not taking no for an answer, I…Think of it like a part of me. I've had
it almost as long as I've had you." I offer a weak smile and he pulls me
close to him again.
It's funny the things you notice when you're dying. Things you never used to
notice - or haven't noticed in a really long time.
I'd forgotten how good he smelled. I'd gotten used to having no smells at
all, here in this sterile hospital. And he smells wonderful.
~~~~~
I know now just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
~~~~~
"…You've gotta realize it's not far-off, Sam, it's here…it's iminent…I'm
going to die. And sooner, not later."
"…Lisa…" he murmurs, his voice so full of pain I cannot heal. He holds me
at arms length, gazing at me, trying to memorize every detail of my face, I
think, or something. "You are so beautiful…" he whispers, choking on his
tears.
I know I'm not. I once was, but this disease has taken its toll on me.
There's the lost hair from the surgery they tried that didn't work. There's
the blue ink dots on my vaguely fuzz-covered scalp from the radiation that
didn't work. My arms have started looking like bananas from all the needles
that have been sticking me.
And I think my eyes are permanently red from the tears I try to hide when
Sam's around.
My chin begins to quiver again. "…I love you so much…" I murmur before
burying my face in the place where his neck meets his shoulders - another
thing I didn't notice before.
"I will never stop loving you," he whispers hoarsely into the top of my head,
and his breath tickles. "And no one will ever be able to take your place."
~~~~~
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
~~~~~
I can't help but yawn - the morphine makes me so damn groggy, even now
without the IV. Sam gently lays me down on the bed and kisses my forehead.
"I'll be back to see you tonight, okay?"
"Okay," I say quietly, but there's a feeling inside me that I won't see him
again.
"I love you."
"I love you too," I whisper before I begin to drift off.
Business is done…and I'm so tired…
~~~~~
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go…
~~~~~
HOME | TITLE |
AUTHOR | CATEGORY