What's Next?

Lin


"Baby, let's cruise
Away from here
Don't be confused
The way is clear
And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one-night stand, baby"
Cruisin' by Smokey Robinson/Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow

Warmth.
I move closer to the warmth lying beside me. Enveloping me. Funny, my bed isn't usually this warm in the morning. Most of the time, I have to curl against myself and wrap the blankets around me tighter to stave off the creeping cold.
The blanket is considerably lighter. Hmm...maybe I'll just get closer to this other person...
Other person?
What in the hell?
"CJ?"
My eyes slowly drag open, reluctant to face that person. Sam. What was I thinking last night?
"CJ?"
"Sam," CJ's hoarse voice betrayed the sleep lounging throughout her body. "What do you want?"
"I have to go."
"What time is it?" she mumbled.
"About 5:00."
"Isn't it kind of early?" CJ pushed herself up beside Sam. "You're still here?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"You were upset last night." Pause. "I didn't want you to do something you would regret later on."
"Oh." She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to bring some semblance of order into her confused state. "Thank you."
Sam captured CJ's hand in his own. "I couldn't..."
She got up from the couch and stared down at him. "No. Really. I don't think either one of us would want to do something that really would come back and bite us in the ass."
"Yeah."
"So, you going?"
"Uh-huh."
"You want something to eat first? Drink?"
"CJ, sit down."
She stared at him, eyes hard and glazed over. "Why?"
"Just sit down." She settled on the far end of the couch, putting as much space between them as physically possible. "Did you think...? I guess what I'm trying to say is why?"
"Why?" Her eyes gave away her confusion. "Why did I want to sleep with you?" Sam nodded. "I---"
"I can tell you."
Her eyebrows rose. "Oh, really?"
"It's the same reason I didn't want to take advantage of the situation. Believe me, if it had been at any other time, any other circumstances, I might have taken you up on your offer."
Her head bowed. "You don't have to say it."
"I mean it. CJ, look at me." He waited until her blue eyes met his own. "I really am flattered but I just don't think doing anything would make our situation any better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse."
CJ shook her head. "You don't have to explain anything to me, Sam. I understand what you're saying." She stood up once more. "I think I need to get ready for work. Peruse the papers and all of that," she gave him a rueful smile. "I'm just going to---" Awkwardly, she walked out of the room.
*~*
What could I do?
I couldn't take advantage of her when she was so upset. We have such a great friendship. How could I just ruin what has just begun with one night of tears and speculation?
It sounds so chilvarous, but I just couldn't...
CJ's a great woman. She has gained the respect of everyone with whom she has come into contact. Almost everyone. There's someone out there who wants to hurt her. Personally. I don't think this has anything to do with me, per se. They sent the picture to me to get a rise and just to see her reaction later on. But who would want to hurt CJ?
She's right. There's something else that's going to come out. And I have a feeling, it's not going to be good for her. The problem is still who. I would like to blame Lillienfield and Stark for the upheaval of our lives, but I don't think it's them. This is reaching back, far into the past.
If that picture isn't published, what was the entire point of this exercise? Is it to gain political revenge? But isn't that the entire point? To be overt in your madness and your ideals to gain ground with whatever party you're working with. Otherwise, it's just a colossal waste of time.
Unless...
This *is* personal.
Then it's an entirely different ballgame.
*~*
"Are you still here?" CJ walked into the living room, holding a mug of steaming coffee. "Do you want some, because I can get---"
"CJ, sit down. I stayed for a reason."
She sighed and set her mug on the coffee table. "What is it?"
"I really do want to talk about this."
"OK, then, talk."
"You don't have any idea how much I wanted to give in to you last night."
"You don't have to explain any more, Sam. I completely understand." She tried to get up, but Sam gripped her arm.
"No, you don't. I said, I wanted to, but I refuse to mar anything we might have with a night of sex."
"'We don't have anything, Sam," CJ told him tiredly.
"Look at me. Yes, we do. We're great friends. Great kissers." He gave her a small smile. "And maybe more," he finished quietly. "I would never forgive myself if I did anything to ruin what we have."
"You wouldn't have ruined anything. There is nothing."
"Don't say that."
"Say what?"
"We don't have something. Everything in my body is telling me that's not true."
"We don't have---we don't have what Josh and Donna have. Or even what Andi and Toby had."
"Why should we? We're totally different. I'm not going to compare our relationship with anything that they have."
"Love, Sam." Pause. "That's what they have," She blew a strand of hair from her face. "We don't have that."
"How do you know?"
CJ froze. "What are you trying to say?"
"I have loved you for a long time."
"No, you haven't."
"Yes, I have."
"Not in that way, you haven't."
"That's true. Am I in love with you? No."
CJ stared at him. "That's a relief to know."
He relaxed the grip on her arm, giving her a gentle squeeze. "But I do consider you one of my greatest friends, and I refuse to give it up for anything."
"It's OK, really."
"You're not in love with me either."
Slowly, "No."
"But you like me?"
CJ gave him a slow smile. "A lot." Pause. "Thanks for pulling me down last night."
"It's what friends do."
*~*
"Carol, have you gotten my mail today?"
"In a minute," a voice yelled from outside the office.
CJ took her coat off and draped it over the end of her couch. She stood in front of the window, trying to forget the embarrassing morning she had recently endured. Sam had been so sweet. Sam was always sweet. Even though his explanation was clear and truthful, she couldn't help feeling slighted. Why? It wasn't his job to take away any pain she might have been feeling. Hell, she wasn't even in love with him. Sometimes the lines of relationships were so blurry. Sam had become what Josh already was: the most intimate of friends.
"Hey, CJ."
CJ looked up to find the 'other' man in her life, standing at the entrance of her office. "Hey, Josh. What's up?"
"Nothing. I thought I'd just come and talk to you."
"You mean you don't have a meeting to be at or something?"
Josh shrugged. "Ask Donna." He flopped onto her couch.
CJ joined him. "Whatever would you do without her?"
He grinned, "Probably be late."
She smiled. "I'd be surprised if you made it in to work."
Josh leaned his head back, letting it rest against the back of the couch. "Are you worried?"
"About what?"
"The picture."
"No, I haven't heard anything about it so far, so I'm just going to assume someone out there was bluffing."
"Do you think it could have gotten serious?"
"Josh, don't be stupid. It could have never gone too far. It was a stupid picture. Nothing more."
"CJ, here's the mail." Carol handed the bundle to CJ.
"Thanks, Carol." She picked through the packages until she found a lone envelope lying in the middle of the mess, her name scrawled in black ink. "Hmm, wonder what this is?" Her hands slid under the edge of the light envelope. She pulled the flap open, taking out a small piece of paper.
Josh watched, concerned, as her eyes got wider and skin, paler. "CJ, what's wrong?" He watched as the paper slowly fluttered onto the carpet.


"Let the music take your mind, oh
Just release and you will find
You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin' my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is played for love,
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Baby tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must
and inch by inch we get closer and closer
To every little part of each other oh baby"
Cruisin' by Smoke Robinson/Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow

I Hope You Dance: Faded Ink

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