Chaotic Systems


Lynn Jepsen and Josh

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He met her in Sante Fe. The eighties were over and mathematicians seemed
obsessed with chaos. She was working on her postdoc. He was working for
the legal aid society. He had wanted to visit Los Alamos. He'd ended up
talking to a woman at a roadside diner and never made it to the museum at
Los Alamos. Instead, they'd exchanged phone numbers, ate at every
restaurant in Sante Fe, and shared an apartment while she typed her
dissertation.

It was all so normal. Boy meets girl. Boy dates girl. Girl moves in. Boy
screws up.
It was normal. Sam meets Lisa. Sam dates Lisa. Lisa moves in. Sam goes to
DC.

He'd dreamed of a career in politics. When he wrote a fundraising speech
for her, he expected acceptance into her world of science and numbers.
Instead, he was recognized by the governor - hired as a speech writer,
and within a year offered a job in Washington.

He'd said yes without second thought. She yelled. He hadn't thought about
them, and that was his cue to get lost. He'd felt like a bastard, but she
hadn't made it any easier. His life was in chaos for months without her.

He met her again at a hearing. It was the Gulf War era and politicians
wanted to learn about chaos. It had effects on international relations,
and her voice was calm and confident as she explained a new science to a
bunch of old white men who knew nothing but politics.

He took her home that night, and she told him about a physicist named
Ian, about her tenure-track at MIT, and about the pearl necklace she'd
broken while packing. He stroked her hair and let her vent all her
frustrations. She called him naive. He called her arrogant. Before she
went back to Massachusetts, he introduced her to Josh and watched while
they endured a startlingly hot relationship.

She called him in the mid nineties. She was tired of teaching and was
going to write a book. He was tired of politics and wanted to practice
law. Both wanted to escape the cynicism and chaos that had enveloped
their lives.

He rented a fifth avenue apartment. She decorated, and rubbed his back
when he came home, defeated. He let her explain all about her work. She
let him explain corporate law. Neither let the outside world intrude,
because they wanted simplicity.

It was a midterm election year and he wrote speeches for the mayor. She
spent ten months in Sante Fe. She filled her letters with equations and
Ian. He spoke of idealism, Mandy, and favors owed. Neither expected their
simplicity to return.

It was summer and she sat on his stairs. Ian was marrying a graduate
student. He smiled. Mandy was dating his best friend. He pulled Lisa up
and unlocked his front door. He was almost a partner. She was almost a
Nobel Laureate. He spent his time at Gage Whitney Pace. She spent her
time at NYU. His free time was devoted to local politics, writing, and
her. Her free time was spent on scientific journals, peer reviews, and
him. Life was busy, but in the chaos, they grounded each other.

It was a Presidential election year and his best friend was going to
Nashua. She was upset when he followed. He didn't care - not really. She
lived in his apartment for another month. Then she left for
Massachusetts. He shrugged it off and sold his lease. He saw her on TV
that October. There was a panel on PBS talking about complex systems and
election returns. He thought about the chaos of the campaign trail and
took a girl back to his room.

It was early spring and he smelled of gunfire, blood, and rubbing
alcohol. She looked panicked when she found him in his office. He asked
about MIT, she asked about his best friend. He wondered if she still
loved his friend, then he wondered if she still loved him. She told him
about the news reports and the commuter flight. He gave her the keys to
his condo. She kissed his forehead.

When he straggled home two days later, she was reading on the couch. He
ruffled her hair and spent an hour standing beneath the spray of water in
the shower. She made love to him while murmuring things about the chaos
of the heart. He kissed her goodnight and slipped out of bed the next
morning. She woke alone and booked a flight to Sante Fe.

Sometimes the chaos comes full circle. It's how the system works. She ate
dinner in a dive near Los Alamos and Ian joined her for coffee. He talked
to legal aid and the Southern Poverty Law Center and wondered if he'd
have time to go to the Holocaust Museum.

The same yet different.

The definition of chaos.

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