King of the Mountain:
Part 28
Lynn Jepsen
Brutus rests his head in my lap, and I scratch his ears. It's a good
trade-off. When I talk to Josh like this, he offers to call his shrink.
Brutus, and I, we have an understanding. It's nice to know I haven't been
completely deserted for Toby. Brutus grumbles a bit, but I bribe him with
a piece of jerky, and he settles down. So Brutus, I'm sure you've noticed
the activity around here. Turns out, I'm going to run for President.
Basically, that means I'm not allowed to call Josh an idiot or fall off a
sailboat until after the election.
That's not my problem right now. No, my problem is my inability to
understand the women in my life. Of course, there's Lisa, and while I
know you're on her side, you have to admit she's not the easiest person
to live with. She's been prowling around the house all week, smothering
me. Yeah, I know. Half of that is my fault, but I swear I didn't mean to
fall off the boat. I mean, my ribs hurt a little still from Laurel's now
infamous football tackle, but I was sure I could manage an afternoon of
sailing alone. I was so wrong.
So I've been forbidden to set foot on a boat without proper adult
supervision. I feel like an idiot. It's not like I hadn't spent enough
time in a hospital this year. There was the car accident, which caused
Josh to order troopers to accompany me whenever I leave the mansion.
There was Josh's scare, which has Lisa worrying about both of us. There
was Laurel's sudden interest in full contact sport, for which Sarah has
invested in a medicine trunk that rivals most hospitals, and now the
boat. Carol's threatening to install a press room at the county hospital.
All of those are reasons Lisa has been impossible to live with.
Of course, before, she had something to do. Now, I think boredom is
becoming a serious factor. I overheard her and CJ yelling the other day
about whether or not it would play if she went back to work. I kept right
on walking. You'll figure these things out, Brutus. When women fight like
that, just keep on walking. I'm guessing CJ lost though, because Lisa was
packing when I left this morning and talking about a job in Pristina, and
let's just keep this quiet, but I don't even know what continent that's
on. I suppose I should have gone searching for an Atlas, but Josh will
know where she is, or Lily, or whoever approved it. If worst comes to
worst, I'll just grovel in CJ's general direction.
Now CJ, that's a different story. CJ is on a one woman mission to drive
Toby, Josh, and I completely insane. Now, you would think that CJ's
cravings would be Toby's problem. You would, however, be wrong. You see,
when Toby can't figure out where to find gourmet cheese crackers at two
am in Sacramento, he calls Josh, on the assumption that Josh knows stuff.
Josh, however, barely manages to feed himself, so they call me. I haven't
the foggiest idea, because my wife is normal, and, when pregnant, asked
for things like peanut butter and crackers. Any good gas station has
peanut butter and saltines - it's not like I called up the National Guard
or something. So, Brutus, for the last five nights in a row, the three of
us have ended up cruising the streets looking for 24-hour anythings.
Plus, we can't forget that she's now become the media czar, or should
that be czarina? Either way, she and Carol threatened to lock me in a
closet next time I start making off the cuff remarks to reporters. Cut me
some slack here. I mean, it was just Danny. Danny doesn't count.
Lily is a completely different story. She's taken over the official
offices, and in that way, she's a lifesaver. On the downside, she and
Josh are ready to kill each other. They keep having these fights about
what's more important - winning the election or running the state. Now
let me tell you, Brutus, if you ever want to, you know, eat one of them,
that would make my life a lot simpler. Lily and Lisa are just scary when
they start conspiring. That baby shower... They almost killed Leo and
Lord John. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what they did wrong, but I'm
guessing it's something you need two X-chromosomes to figure out.
Yeah, the women around here are trying to drive me crazy. If Lisa, Lily,
and CJ aren't example enough, look at Sarah. My sister should be
committed. She's been here every day, I suppose on the premise of
checking up on Rachel, but I think she's really trying to figure out how
to apologize to Josh. From what Josh tells me - which is very little -
after she stopped giving him the silent treatment, Laurel called me Uncle
Sam and caused him to run screaming to Carol trying to put together our
new ad campaign. Not the best way to win over a woman, but hey, the ads
were great - even Lily thought they were cute, and believe me, Lily Mays
does not often use the word cute. Actually, she never says anything is
cute - unless you count the Josh-Mandy thing last September. She called
that cute just to torture Josh.
Of course, if that wasn't enough troubles with women, there's the Zoey
thing. My wife needed some sort of campaign staff. Charlie was running
the legislative office, and doing a much better job than William ever
did. That, of course, is the by-the-book explanation of what Zoey is
doing. Off the record, I think she's here to make my life miserable. Toby
suggested we use Lisa to talk to people I can't talk to. She's talked to
feminists, environmentalists, and other not-quite-moderate-enough groups.
Zoey's been organizing them. She's also been keeping Lisa out of state as
much as humanly possible. I'm not sure who's idea that was, but I think
that's half the reason she decided to go back to work - Lisa wanted to
take control of her life again. I wouldn't mind so much, except she's not
here.
Tell me, Brutus. Have you ever understood a thing that woman does? I
certainly don't. Nine years. Nine years of marriage on top of the nine
years I knew her before that and I still don't get it. I literally do not
understand the way her brain functions. I do however, understand calling
Mark Reynolds a slug. See, Toby was running off all our volunteers, and
Josh was finally happy with an assistant, so appeasing Toby was a high
priority. That's why I went to DC and begged Ginger to come work for us.
She was doubtful. She was uncertain. She was on the next plane out.
Either I'm really good at groveling, or she was stringing me along to get
a good deal. Either way, I haven't heard a Toby-bellow all day. Thank
heavens.
Of course, Ginger happened to let it slip that Reynolds broke his desk
after talking to Josh. The question remained over when, exactly, Josh had
said something that inflammatory to the Speaker. When she told me, I was
stuck trying to figure out how to broach the subject with Josh, so I
haven't yet. It might be easier to talk to him if Diana wasn't always in
his office. They're vetting possible VPs, but I think there's something
else going on. You know why? I know Josh, and Josh is never that weird
under normal circumstances. Of course, that begs the question - what
happened between Josh and my sister. If he hurt her, you'll bite him for
me, right?
Brutus lifts his head and growls, and I scramble to my feet as the sound
of footfalls echo outside the door. "Sam?" I know I shouldn't be hiding
from Josh, but I don't want to face the world yet. The footsteps stop and
I can hear the knob turning. "Sam, what are you doing in the closet?"
Busted. Damn. There's a small army of men in black suits arrayed behind
Josh. The introduction is so flippant, I know Josh is hiding something
from me. "Sam, this is the Secret Service." Damn.
King of the Mountain: Part 29
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