God of War: Part 33


Lynn Jepsen

---

//Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at the end of the day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.//

This is a poetry day.

This is a poetry month.

Sam left some of his own on my dresser, and the words numbed my eyes to
the tears that flowed. Too much emotion will cut you off from the world
as surely as too little. I feel as though my nerves are raw and every
last drop of passion and fear as been pulled from me.

Nothing hurts and yet everything does.

I want to feel the rage that occupied my very veins only days ago, but it
evaporated when Josh opened his eyes and asked for the President. Not
Sam. The President.

There has been nothing ever since.

Nothing.

Elle has played in Josh's office and Sam has righted the course of this
White House.

CJ has taken a break from work to care for Joe and Toby has brooded
quietly.

Diana has pampered Josh and Rachel has organized his recovery.

If I could muster rage, I would attack those who shot at my husband, my
friends, my *family* in court. I was a lawyer. I was a federal agent. The
law should be my recourse. Instead I think of the day months and years
from now when the lookout from Rosslyn, the bomber from New York, and
this gunman will come up for parole. I'd rather kill them myself. It
isn't rage that elicits that response. It's just the easiest thing to do.
I can't handle nuances and complexities anymore.

*

"You realize Zoey has taken over your office, right?" Sam moves the
pillows around, but I simply shift to accommodate him. "Lisa?" I'm fine.
"No, you're not." Just leave me alone, Sam. Haven't I done enough? His
face shifts then, and I know he's not sure how I meant that. Honestly,
I'm not sure either.

He might keep his silence, but he doesn't leave. He lifts my shoulders
and slips behind me, holding me lightly in his arms. He doesn't move
until Elle comes in and says her goodnights. Then he moves only to kiss
her cheek and ruffle her hair. "Goodnight, Pigtails."

"Night, Daddy. Momma." Elle hesitates at the door and then scrambles back
across the room. "Can I sleep with you tonight?" Sam nods quickly, and my
daughter climbs into my arms. I sigh, and we all climb out of bed, turn
down the covers, and crawl back in. Sam holds me gently, and I hold Elle.


It's only later, when she falls into a deep and dreamless sleep that I
allow myself to shed the tears I have been holding back - the tears for
Josh and Lily and Rae and Sarah and CJ and Toby and Joe and Sam and Elle.


Sam wakes up as my body shakes, and he helps me disentangle myself from
Elle. We cry together then, for all the things we've lost. People,
chances, trust, hope.... and then Sam whispers in my ear that tomorrow is
a second chance.

You cannot fight against the future any more than you can master the
past.

My husband is President of the United States.

That is our past and our present. In our future, he is just Sam. I am
just Lisa. Elle will grow older and Josh and Diana will dote on her until
she's almost spoiled. CJ will just be CJ and Toby will just be Toby.

The press will no longer turn to Carol for the answers. Ainsley will no
longer defend us and Lionel will cease to keep my counsel.

President of the United States.

Sacrifice and pain should be written into the job description.

Sam's arms close around me, and we can hear Elle's breath coming softly
as she sleeps.

"I love you."

And the light in the night sky will not die, no matter how loudly we
rage.

---

The End

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