"Sam," came Mr. Seaborn's voice.

"So." Sam paused. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"Surviving."

"I've been trying to call you for the past couple of days, but you haven't been returning my messages, either at your house or at work."

Sam rubbed the side of his face. "I haven't been at home for a while, and I've also been busy."

"Doing what?"

"That's classified."

"Ah, yes. My son, the senior White House advisor."

'My father, the adulterer,' Sam wanted to reply, but bit his tongue. He had idolised his father when he had been growing up. He thought that he had been part of a great family. Sure, his dad had worked long hours, but he had always made them up with his family.

And it had been a lie.

"So," his dad continued, "How are things over there?"

"If you mean at work, that's also classified."

"Sam? Is something wrong? Besides me, that is?"

'Let's see, Donna and her friend manipulated me into wanting to find proof with regards to that said friend's grandfather's supposed 'innocence,' when in reality, he had been a spy. And to help cover up that fact, people had been compromised and murdered. And then I lied to the granddaughter's face and told her that I didn't have anything and... "Nope, nothing much."

"So then it is me."

Silence.

"What can I say? What do you want me to say?"

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Why what?"

"Why did you do this in the first place?"

"It's not like I went out looking for it, Sam. It...just happened."

"And you continued it for twenty-eight years?"

"I love her, Sam."

"More than Mom? More than your family?"

"You guys are my kids, you can't compare--"

"So then what you're saying is that it's just Mom," Sam interrupted.

More silence.

"I..."

"Did you love her? Mom, I mean."

He heard a sigh. "I... I thought that I could make it work..."

Sam felt his heart sink. "But did you love her?"

"...And for a while, I did," his father continued, not hearing his son.

"Yes, but did you *ever* love her? Was there at any point, love for her, on your part?"

There was a pause. "No."

Sam felt his heart shatter. His world, which had been smashed to smithereens, was not in the process of being swept up to go into the garbage. Everything that had ever been a constant in his life, was now being quetioned. "You didn't love."

"No."

"You didn't want to be with her," he furthered.

"No," was the reply.

"Then why did you marry her?"

He heard his dad switch the receiver from one ear to the other. "Because it was expected."

"Was she pregnant?" Sam asked, knowing that his older brother had been born two years after his parents marriage. And he normally wouldn't have thought to ask this, but now the equation changed.

"No!"

"Then why did you marry her? How was it expected?"

His dad sighed. "You know how when you're kids, your parents plan ahead and wonder what it--"

"Grandma and Grandpa arranged for the two of your to marry?" the deputy director of communications asked incredulously.

"No! And they didn't plan for me to marry her exactly at first, either. But... someone who was on our family's level, yes."

"Wasn't there anyone else? Someone whom you loved?"

"No, Sam, there wasn't."

"Then why didn't you wait? You could have gone elsewhere and--"

"I was being pressured, Sam, and I couldn't..."

"Leave the purse-strings," the son finished.

The elder Seaborn paused. "Something like that." Sam picked up a pen and played around with it. "I'm not strong like you, Son. You get that from your mother. I, I would never have been able to walk away from a partnership to go after my dream. To be able to go after my dream..."

"What do you mean? Being a lawyer was your dream. You told us that, Grandpa told us that."

"No. My dream was to join the Navy. I wanted to sail the ocean blue; to sail and work and live on the boats. It was your grandfather's dream for me to become a lawyer."

Sam stopped at this and dropped the pen. He was now questioning his career choice, going to law school... "And I'm sorry to tell you this, his father continued, "Considering that I'm the reason why the three of you became lawyers." Sam heard a sniffle. "You know, I envy you for that. All three of you."

"For choosing something that turned out to be falsely based?"

"No, that's not it and it's not what I meant."

'But you didn't deny what I said,' Sam thought, tears coming to his eyes. He blinked them back.

"Michael went into criminal law, Lainie is in family law and you--"

"Dad, I was corporate for a while."

"You may have been corporate, but your strong suite was always constitutional."

"I almost became a partner in a law firm specialising in corporate law."

"--But you left it! You went after your dream and..."

"Stop it!" Sam yelled into the receiver. "Please, just... stop." He wiped his nose. "When did it start?"

"Twenty-eight years ago."

"I know *that*, but how, when and under which circumstances did it begin?"

He heard a sigh. "You don't want to know this."

"Yes, I do," Sam countered.

"No, you don't."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to."

"Sam..."

"Look, it's my job to know stuff that isn't all prettied up! Even if it wasn't here, it would be in law and we both know that."

"There's not much to tell, to be honest. We met at a fundraiser that your mother an I attended. I went to the bar to get a drink while your mother was speaking to someone, and Kristin was there, She had come with a friend but was also getting a drink. We spoke for a while, found that we clicked and exchanged phone numbers."

"Did she know that you were married? Did you tell her?"

"Yes."

"And she still agreed to see you?"

His father faltered a bit at this. "Not at first, but I persuaded her."

Sam felt his throat constrict. "You went after her?"

"Yes."

He swallowed. "Why? Wasn't being with Mom good enough?" 'Weren't *we* good enough?' he wanted to ask.

"I didn't love her, Sam. I know that this will seem cold, but I have never loved your mother -- not like a husband should! I felt affection for her, yes, but not... In no way, have I ever felt a connection with your mother that I felt with Kristin--that I still feel with Kristin."

Sam's lip curled at hearing this, but he had asked to be told. There was no one to blame but himself. "Then what? You set her up in an apartment?"

"Not at first. She was still going to school when I met her and--"

"How old is she?" Sam interrupted.

"She'll be fifty-one in April."

Sam did some mental math. "She's eighteen years older than me?"

"Yes."

"So, she was still going to school and wanted to live on her own, right?"

"Right."

"What changed that?"

Silence.

"Dad?" At the continued quietness, his stomach lurched and he wanted to throw up. "Oh god, please don't tell me... She became pregnant, didn't she?"

"It takes two to tango, Sam."

"Oh, I think I know about the birds and the bees, Dad." He swallowed. So, what was it, a boy or a girl?"

"Didn't they tell you?"

"Who? Mom? Mike? Lainie? No, I've been busy and I didn't have time to talk about it. All I knew was that you've been having an affair for the past twenty-eight years with some woman in Santa Monica, and that you had her in an apartment. I know that Mom somehow became suspicious and hired a PI who..."

"Yes, I know what happened next," his dad dryly noted.

"So, boy or girl?"

"You had a sister."

"*Had*?"

"She died six years ago. Car accident."

Sam didn't know what to feel with this revelation. Oh, he felt a lot of things, but he didn't know which emotion to choose from. "How old was she?"

"She was nineteen."

Anger flared through him as he thought this out. "So, for nineteen years, you had a daughter. A daughter of whom your mourned for--and I know that you did, because I remember the funk that you were in--one of which we had no explanation for. Well, that's one mystery solved. Several actually, when you think about it."

"Sam..."

"Why didn't you just divorce Mom, huh? Why didn't you just end the loveless marriage between you two when..." He swallowed. "When *she* came into your life."

"First of all," his dad began, "I may not have loved your mother, but she loved me. Secondly, I didn't know how long it would last. I thought that maybe at first, this was something that I needed to get out of my system and then I would be fine. But it didn't turn out like that."

Sam bit his tongue at this.

"I love Kristin, Sam. And I loved our daughter."

"What was her name?"

"Amelia."

"Great-grandma's name."

"Yes. Your grandmother doesn't like that, though."

Sam's ears perked at this. "How long have they known? Her and Grandpa, I mean?"

"They found out when your mother phoned your grandmother's house, while I was having dinner with her. She politely informed me that she was filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery, and stated for me not to come home as she had all of the locks changed. She also had my things delivered to Kristin's apartment."

"Oh, I bet they loved hearing that."

"Well, let's put it this way, I'm being written out of their will."

Sam remained quiet at this. He felt nothing at hearing this.

"You don't have anything to say?"

"What is there to say?"

"Nothing, I guess."

Silence.

"Why didn't you divorce Mom? When you realised that it was no longer a 'thing,' when *she* became pregnant? You could have prevented all of this if you just did it back then."

"I had you kids to think about."

"Dammit, that's an excuse, *not* a reason! You should have divorced her when we were younger! To hell with what child psychologists say! Why didn't--"

"Dammit, Sam! I was getting a senior partnership! And I'm also Catholic! My vows--"

"Oh yeah, your vows!" the deputy director interrupted, "You just gotta love that part about forsaking all others."

"Sam," his father pleaded, "You're not making this easy on me."

"I'm supposed to?" Sam asked incredulously.

"Yes! No, wait, no!" His dad took a breath. "Do you think that this is any easier on me?"

"It has to be, if you were willing to risk your family and alienating your kids."

Mr. Seaborn grew quiet at this. "Am I?"

"Why didn't you just leave?" Sam asked, avoiding his dad's question.

This didn't go unnoticed. "Because your mother would have gone after everything that I had and created a scandal, jeopardising my career and position."

'She's going to go after everything that you have, right now,' he thought, but didn't say. "So, you stayed in the marriage--one of which you never wanted to be in--for purely incentive reasons."

"I also stayed for you guys."

"You could have left when we were old enough."

"I could have."

For several minues, father and son remained still, neither one knowing what to say.

A plethora of thoughts ran through Sam's mind. His Dad had never loved his Mom. He had only married her because he had been pressured to. Sam almost snorted at this. God, it was almost like what happened with him and Lis...

The deputy director of communicatins eyes widened in horror at this. If it weren't for Josh, he would have done the same thing. He had been all set to marry someone he didn't really and truly love because... He closed his eyes. All because it had been expected of him. He and Lisa had been seeing each other for two years after being set up by his family--his grandmother, to be more precise. And when he had been asked of when they were getting married, he said that he wasn't planning to. Nor was he planning on proposing in the near future.

And that's when the pressure began.

It wasn't that he didn't love her -- he did -- but... not like, as his dear old dad put it, "Not like a husband should." Or in his case, prospective husband.

But, five months later while sailing (another love he and his father had in common), he gave in. And he too, thought/hoped that he would have been able to make a marriage work; that he would learn to truly love Lisa. Sam gave a sick laugh as he remembered what his father had said to him; "You're doing the right thing; it'll help your career."

And the thing of it was, that it was true. After he announced his engagement, not too long afterwards, he had been told that he was being considered for a partnership. And now, he couldn't understand why his father had encouraged him to do something that he himself, had been forced into and now regretted.

But he had received a different reaction from his mother.

She had been the one not to pressure him. She had told him not to give in if a marriage with Lisa, wasn't something that he wanted. Did she have any suspicions back then?

And then Josh came with that lousy non-poker face of his, and turned his life around. Yep, he had found the real thing in New Hampshire and this was something that Sam Seaborn wanted to be part of.

He walked out of a partnership with that meeting.

Of course, when Lisa found out, she left him.

Needless to say, he wasn't too heartbroken over that. Sam gave a sick laugh over this.

"Sam?" His dad had heard the laugh.

"Nothing, just thinking," Sam replied.

"About?"

"I admired you when I was growing up," Sam began, wiping a tear from his eye. "I loved being with you, Michael and Lainie; just us kids and you, sailing. Having no worries, no cares. Then we'd come home and we would have dinner, one full of love and warmth. I remember thinking that I came from a pretty terrific family. But that was all a lie. You didn't want to be with us and Mom--okay, maybe us, but..."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. How can I make it up to you?"

"Make it up?" Sam yelled. "You can't 'make it up'! You will never be able to 'make it it'! What you've done is something that I was raised against! I was raised to believe in love and trust and fidelity, and the ironic thing is that you helped to perpetuate these beliefs, too! And now for me to find out that you were being a hypocrite for all of these years? For me to find out that you've never believe in them? How did you think I would feel? Now put yourself into our shoes and ask yourself the question, 'How can I make it up?'"

"I'm sorry! How many more times do I have to say this? How much do you want me to?"

Sam didn't say anything, but he was revolted by the tone of his father's voice. It seemed as though his father wanted absolution from him.

And he wasn't sure if he would be able to give it.

"Can you forgive me?"

Sam closed his eyes at this and shook his head. Well, he was right on the money on that.

"What did Mike and Lainie say, when you asked them that?" he returned instead.

"How do you know I asked them that?" his dad asked.

"A hunch." He opened his desk and got a tissue out from the box, Kathy had tucked inside. She had been great after finding out and not telling anyone. Unfortunately, he couldn't say the same about Josh. Sam wiped his nose. "So, what did they say?"

Silence.

"You either haven't asked them or--" He stopped as comprehension forced him to rethink his question. "Wait a minute, you *did* ask them. And knowing them, whatever I say will depend upon their answer."

"Sam, that's not true," his father said, but the ending of his voice gave it away.

The tears that Sam had tried to force to remain inside, now freely fell down his cheeks. He gave a deep breath and tried not hyperventilate with the emotions that he was feeling inside. All the emotions threaten to cascade and...

"Dad, I..." What could he say? The deputy director of communications didn't want to speak to his father anymore. He wanted the day to end. He wanted to go meet everyone else at the bar and get rip roaring drunk. "I..." Inspiration popped in. "What?" he began in an irritated voice to the door. "Okay, I'll be there." He closed his eyes. "Dad, I have to go now. Josh wants to see me about something." Well, that part was true. Of course, Josh was at the bar. Then again, his father didn't know that.

"It's nine o'clock on a Friday night."

"Dad, you're talking to someone who's been known to work on Sundays." 'Not to mention sleeping on his co-worker's couch, in their office for the past three nights.' "About the forgiveness... I... It..." He looked up at the door again. "I said okay!" Sam swallowed. "Dad, I'll call you later," he said and put the phone down.

Sam Seaborn closed his eyes as he bit his lip, tears still falling down his face. He opened them up as he gave a heart-wrenching sob.

His perfect world had never been perfect. His perfect loving family, had been an illusion.

And he could have became his father. He could have followed in his father's footsteps.

Oh, he tried to reassure himself that he would never have cheated on Lisa--had they been married--but he couldn't say for sure. Not now. Something inside of him stated that he was pretty sure that his dad had thought the exact same thing, when his parents married.

Maybe his dad was right, in the fact that he took after his mother. He hadn't been afraid to follow in what he believed--or rather in *whom* he believed in. He knew very well that Lisa would leave him almost four years ago, and he didn't care. Okay, he cared in how it would look to his parents, but...

He could have become his father.

And he felt so very small, insignificant and dirty at this reflection.

Sam wiped his tears as he got up and tried to compose himself before he opened his office door. He walked to the bathroom, and went to the sink to splash water on his face. After he seemed more human, he went back to his office, collected his suit coat, his trench, and put work into his briefcase. If he was going to get as drunk as he wanted to, he was going to be in no condition to come to work the next day, he thought as he closed the case and left.

When he got to the bar, he saw Josh and CJ wave to him. Sam nodded as he went to the bar. He got out his car and handed it to the bartender. "A running tab, Steve."

Steve's eyes went wide open at this. "Sam, this is a platinum American Express credit card!"

"Yep," Sam confirmed, "And it's all paid up, too."

Steve gazed at the deputy director of communications. "Are you okay?"

"I will be after you get me some pizza, a round of beers and pretzels."

Steve seemed dubious at this, but shrugged and wen to a waitress to relay the order. Sam smiled at this and went to his friends. Upon arrival, he put his hand on Josh's shoulder and squeezed.

"What?" Josh asked, curiously.

"Thank-you," Sam said as warmly as possible, despite how he felt.

"What for?" the deputy chief-of-staff pursued, as his best friend sat down.

"For rescuing me in New York. And of what could have been," Sam replied cryptically, as some pretzels were placed on the table. Sam grabbed on and popped it into his mouth.

He was surrounded by his friends. His family.

And at the moment, that's all that mattered.