In My Son's Eyes
Pat D.
"This is not happening. Tell me this is so not happening."
"It's a bad dream, Sam. Hit the snooze button and go back to sleep."
"Easy for you to say, you're not the one getting a Father's Day
surprise."
"Think blood test, DNA sample. You don't have to take the fall just
because she says so. How many guys did she sleep with besides you
anyway?"
"Josh, who does this kid remind you of?"
"Well, I gotta admit he's the spitting image of you. Then people
also say lots of babies look like Winston Churchill at nine months.
I rest my case."
"It's a wonder you ever passed the bar."
"Who said I did?"
"She just left him here. Can you believe that! She not only relies
on my good nature not to question her, but she also expects me to
roll over and take care of him."
"He is kinda cute with that little button nose and big blue eyes and
scraggly black thatch. Aren't you the cutie pie? Yes you are."
"That's disgusting, Josh. Don't talk to my son like he's an idiot."
"What? I should pull out my lexicon of four syllable words. Like he
knows what I'm saying."
"He probably thinks you're meshuga."
"You've been spending too much time around Toby. Hey, maybe the kid
understands Yiddish. Is Laurie Jewish by any chance?"
"That never came up as a topic of conversation and since I wasn't
considering marriage, it really didn't matter."
"No, just like you to hop into bed with someone without knowing her
name or religion."
"Well, we could make some assumptions if he's...you know."
"That's a really big assumption since it's not just a Jewish thing."
"Okay, okay. Let's just say he's not. We're getting a little off
track here. The question is what do we do with him."
"'We'? Did I hear the word 'We' being bandied about? Is that like
the royal 'We' or the more common 'Us'?"
"It's like you and me, Josh. I can't take care of a child by myself,
and you being my significant other should be included in this little
family scenario."
"I don't know nothin' 'bout burpin' babies, Miz Scarlett."
"That's enough politically incorrect humor. Just tell me what I
should do. He looks like he's going to cry."
"Wrong tense, Sam. That's the biggest waterworks I've ever seen on a
little kid."
"So what do I do? I don't even know how to hold him properly. I
think he's turning blue."
"Babies do that sometimes. They hold their breath until they get
what they want."
"He's a bit young to have learned that tactic."
"Believe me, they're born knowing. My cousin's kid could wrap you
around her little finger before she was a year old just by turning
blue. It's the guilt trip thing."
"Josh, he stopped crying. I don't think he's breathing at all."
"Here, give him to me. Didn't you ever baby-sit any cousins or
nephews or puppies growing up?"
"Not that I want to remember. All I know is that I once dropped my
cousin Mark and was told never to touch him again."
"Good call. Come here, Squirt. Uncle Joshua has the situation under
control. Let's see those baby blues open wide and a big toothless
grin for your Daddy."
"He has teeth and they are in very good condition. I know; he bit
me."
"I'll bet he flosses twice a day."
"He takes after his father."
"Yeah, especially in the waterworks department. Hush little baby,
don't you cry. Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that
mockingbird don't sing, Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring. If
that diamond ...."
"Josh?"
"Yeah."
"Don't you know any other lullabies?"
"Why, was I off-key?"
"It's just, just...right now I really don't want to hear it."
"Okay, but Old Blue Eyes here seems to like it. He stopped crying
and he's breathing again. Want him back?"
"In a minute. You two look so natural together, like a Bottacelli
Madonna and child. I've got to get a picture of this."
"Hold on, are you saying I look like a female rock singer? Besides,
he's not my kid. Why do you want a picture of him and me?"
"Some day you're going to deny you ever held a baby or sang a
lullaby. It just doesn't match the sardonic Josh Lyman persona. I
want to have the evidence that proves you wrong."
"Turnabout is fair play. I get to take your picture too."
"Say 'Cheese' and don't you dare stick out your tongue."
"Brieee! And I'm definitely saving my tongue for something more
interesting later. Okay, you can take him now. I think the water
has started to flow downhill."
"Are you hinting that his Pamper is wet?"
"More than that, it's time to get him potty trained."
"Not before you take the picture. I may be sick afterwards and I
won't photograph well."
"Don't say I didn't warn you. Smile if you can. Beautiful."
"He's gorgeous, Josh. You know, I never thought I could feel so much
a part of another person."
"What about me?"
"This is different. I look into his eyes and I see myself, not
Laurie or my father or anyone else."
"They say that a child is a second chance to make right whatever it
was you screwed up the first time around."
"Maybe, maybe it's just another opportunity to screw up. The sins of
the father are visited upon the son."
"You can't believe that, Sam. You're not your father. I'm not my
father, much as I'd like to be. We're all unique individuals trying
to be the best we can."
"He deserves better."
"Better than what? Better than the most loving, protective and
considerate person I've ever known. Laurie knew what she was doing
when she left him with you."
"He needs a mother and a father. I don't want him growing up not
knowing what it's like to have a normal home."
"Think he might grow up to be like us?"
"Yeah. Scary, huh?"
"I always knew that if I scratched deep enough, I'd discover a
Republican lurking under there."
"Shush, he might hear you and get the wrong impression."
"Well, right now, he's giving a pretty good impression of a kid who's
pooped in his pants. Let's get him changed and then debate his
future."
"Okay, come on Stinky. I guess this is what fathers do."
"Hey, the kid has a real name, doesn't he?"
"Yeah. The name on his birth certificate is Lawrence Alexander."
"Whoa, that's a mouthful. Not to mention that when he gets older,
he's going to get the crap beat out of him."
"Why? It's a strong name; it has an air of mystery and adventure.
It's a name that conjures up visions of Lawrence of Arabia and
Alexander the Great."
"Okay. Sam, you do realize both those guys were gay?"
"Right. How about Larry? Larry's a perfectly good all-American
boy's name. "
"Yeah. You know maybe we need to reconsider this whole name thing.
I'm thinking more along the lines of Noah Lyman-Seaborn."
"Josh, shut up. Then show me what you were going to do with your
tongue."
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