Missteps
Pat D.
"Sam, what is that?"
"It's Larry's birthday present."
"I didn't have any have illusions that it might be for you. I
repeat, what is it?"
"Toby, it's a bouncer."
"A bouncer."
"Yeah, it bounces, or it does when the baby is in it."
"What else does it do?"
"That's it. It bounces, or the baby does."
"So, it's not what you'd call an educational toy."
"Hardly, it's meant to have fun. You do know what fun is, Big Guy?"
"I have been known to indulge on occasion. What else are you getting
him?"
"That's it. I don't want to spoil him."
"Sam, the baby is going to be one year old. I don't think that
concept has had a chance to develop yet."
"Well, I imagine that others on the staff would be buying him stuff.
Ya know Josh had a list a mile long and has been dropping hints for
at least a month."
"Yeah, I received the memo from J. Lyman entitled: Recommendations,
Not So Subtle, for Larry's Birthday Gift. At first I thought it had
come from you, then I noticed the punctuation."
"Come on, Toby, fess up. I bet you bought him the PlayStation2."
"Why on God's good earth would you think I bought him that?"
"I dunno. You just seem like a computer games kinda guy."
"You only wish. It's a surprise for the boy and will remain so until
his birthday party."
"Okay. Just as long as it's not clothes. All the women are buying
him clothes; so the men need to stick together and buy toys."
"That was a very sexist remark, Sam."
"It's not sexist, it's the truth. C.J. and Donna have talked all the
female staff into buying Larry a new wardrobe. They don't trust
Josh's or my taste in clothing."
"That's surprising considering the costume you wore to C.J.'s
Halloween party. I thought the dress was in excellent taste. It
accentuated your figure, and the color brought out the blush in your
cheeks."
"I just remembered. If you'll excuse me, Toby, I have to punish
Josh."
**********
"Donna, where is Josh?"
"He ran out an hour ago when Larry's day care center called."
"They called Josh about Larry? Why didn't he call me? Is the baby
all right? When will he be back?"
"Speak of the devil."
"Josh, what happened to the baby?"
"Larry's fine. It's the day care center. They were repairing a roof
leak and found asbestos around the air ducts. They had to evacuate
the building; it'll be closed for two weeks."
"Hey, buddy, you okay? Betcha never thought you'd get hustled out of
your nap time."
"So, what do we do now? It's too late to get a sitter for the rest
of the day."
"I can take him. I'll cancel the rest of my meetings this afternoon
and concentrate on writing that speech for the DNC dinner."
"Sam, that's a contradiction in terms. You can't take care of a
child and write a speech at the same time."
"Watch me. I've got Larry's birthday present in my office. All I
have to do is put him in it, and he'll be happy as a clam for hours."
"'Kay. I'll take you up on that. I could use a good laugh."
**********
"There, see. He likes it."
"That would keep me occupied for all of five minutes before I'd be
jumping out of my skin."
"Luckily it isn't meant for you. Oh, by the way, Toby didn't get him
the PlayStation2."
"Well, it was a long shot. No chance he'll buy it as a Chanukah
gift?"
"Aren't those supposed to be token gifts, like candy or wooden tops
or potato pancakes?"
"Sam, you have a lot to learn. How can you have worked with Toby for
three years and not know more about Chanukah?
"Easy, he doesn't celebrate the holidays. I'm amazed he's coming to
Larry's party considering it's on Christmas Eve."
"And whose brilliant idea was that?"
"Josh, the kid was born on December 24th. What do you expect me to
do, falsify his birth certificate?"
"I've been meaning to ask you about that. I mean, the numbers don't
add up. December is barely eight months from when you and Laurie, ya
know, said good-bye."
"He was born premature. Laurie said he was in the hospital an extra
month. That's not so unusual."
"Did you ever take the DNA test?"
"It doesn't matter. Laurie's deposition names me as the biological
father, and no one is contesting the adoption. So?"
"Just to be sure--in case there's ever any question."
"If there is ever a question, I'll do it. Until then, why tempt
fate?"
"Tempt fate? Sam, we're talking about your--our--son's future, not
some literary hero."
"Okay, okay. You want some reassurance, then I'll do it."
"Fine. When?"
"After the holidays."
"Why not tomorrow?"
"Josh, what are you worried about? A few weeks isn't going to make
any difference. We've had Larry for six months; nobody is going to
take him away."
"'Kay. It's just that when everything seems to be going good; the
good gets going."
"I never considered you to be a pessimist. Is something happening
that I don't know about?"
"Nothing. There's nothing you need to be concerned about."
"Tell me, Josh."
"How about we talk over a romantic dinner tonight?"
"What brought that on all of a sudden?"
"I think it's all the bouncing that Larry's doing. I keep getting
this vision of you and me in bed just going up and down. And if he
doesn't stop soon, I'm gonna take you right here."
"Josh, the door is open and Toby is in his office."
"Then let's think of something to keep him busy."
"Like for instance?"
**********
"Toby, Josh and I have to prep for a meeting on the Hill. Mind
looking after Larry for a bit?"
"This is the White House Communications Office, not a day care
center, and I am not a babysitter. Please take your offspring to
someone who has more maternal instincts."
"Right. Look Toby, he's almost falling asleep. We can't talk with
him in the room."
"So, go talk in Josh's office."
"Right. I don't want to leave him alone; he likes to be around
people.
"He won't know the difference if he's asleep."
"Right. I'll ask Cathy to look in on him. If by any chance..."
"Sam, get out of my office, now."
"Right."
**********
"Did he take the bait?"
"No, but at least we can get away for an hour. Your office."
"'Kay. But we'll have to get rid of Donna. She has this tendency to
hover lately."
"Lately? When has she not had a tendency to hover?"
"Well, since Rosslyn it's gotten worse. It's like she's my mother or
something."
"Is she baking you oatmeal cookies and buying you new shoes?"
"Not really, but she has been bringing me coffee and asking if I need
my laundry done."
"'Nough said."
"Donna, I need, I need a thing from Senator Collins' office."
"Josh, if you can't think of a better excuse than that to get me out
of the office, don't even try."
"But, I do. I need this file from Senator Collins on, on... Sam?"
"We're making recommendations on the Educational Appropriations bill,
and Senator Collins has a copy of last year's justification."
"I can get a copy sent by messenger."
"Sure, but who knows better than you if it's the right one?"
"You do, Josh, so why don't you go get it?"
"Have I fired you yet this week?"
"This morning, but I'm ignoring it."
"Donna, perhaps you could help Cathy take care of Larry?"
"Of course, Sam. Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
"That worked out well. Now, as to that other little matter."
"What did you have in mind?"
"Maybe you can help me think of something original."
**********
"Josh? Are you and Sam finished in there?"
"Wha...?"
"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. If one of you will
come up for air, I've got a message from Toby."
"Donna, we're in the middle of delicate negotiations. What does Toby
have to say that can't wait?"
"Larry is missing."
"What, when, where is he missing from?"
"Sam. Please, your pants. Larry was asleep until about three-thirty.
Then he began to cry, and Cathy went to warm up his formula. When
she came back, your office was empty. We looked all over."
"I thought you were watching him, Donna. What happened?"
"As soon as Cathy left, the whole communications bullpen erupted. I
was fielding telephone calls left and right, and Toby was shouting
for Bonnie to arrange a conference with the Christian coalition. We
just forgot to keep an eye on the baby."
"He can't have gone far. Did you look under my desk? He likes to
snuggle up with his blanket under the desk."
"Since when?"
"Josh, your zipper. Your thing, shirt tail, is hanging out."
"Don't change the subject. Since when does our son hide under the
desk?"
"It's not a problem, Mr. Mom. It's a game we play; he likes to hide
and surprise me. Come on. I'm sure he's just waiting for us to find
him."
"Shoes, Sam."
"Yeah."
**********
"He's not here, Josh. Someone's kidnapped him. Call 911."
"Now who's going ballistic? Sam, calm down. We'll find him."
"You don't understand. If the court finds out that I lost the baby,
it could jeopardize the adoption. Josh, do something!"
"Okay, okay. Quiet, I'm thinking. Donna, where's Toby?"
"He was on his way to a meeting with Leo just after he talked to
Bonnie. I haven't seen him since."
"Then why did you say Toby had a message for us?"
"It got your attention."
"Okay. Everybody fan out. Donna, you head toward the front lobby.
Cathy, search the Roosevelt Room. Bonnie, check out C.J.'s office.
Look behind the furniture; he might be playing hide and seek. And if
anyone asks, you're looking for a missing file or something equally
innocuous."
"It's all my fault. I'm a selfish, uncaring parent. I don't deserve
to have a child."
"Sam, don't blame yourself. I'm the one who's at fault. If it
wasn't for me, Larry would be still be safe in your office."
"Come to think of it, you're right. Next time, remind me to
disregard any ideas you may have related to office sex."
"You couldn't accept a fifty-fifty split?"
"Josh, I want my son back, and I am holding you personally
responsible to find him."
"'Kay. If I were a one-year-old in the West Wing, where would I go?"
"Your office?"
"Too messy."
"The mess?"
"Too distant."
"The press room?"
"Too literary."
"The Oval Office?"
"Now, that has possibilities."
"You really expect a baby to crawl into the Oval Office without
anyone seeing him? He wouldn't get past Charlie."
"He wouldn't get past Mrs. Landingham, but Charlie might be too busy
to notice. If the President's door was open long enough, he could
sneak right in."
"This is bad on so many more levels than could ever be imagined."
"Let's hope he's attracted to Mrs. L's desk. If Larry's hiding
there, you smuggle him out while I keep Charlie occupied."
"I have a feeling I'm going to regret this."
**********
"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, what's up, my man?"
"Josh, if you want me to accompany you and Sam to a bar again, count
me out. I know better this time."
"That was totally, way out of left field, unwarranted. Besides if it
hadn't been for Zoey, nothing would have happened."
"Don't go blaming Zoey, man. We were doing fine until you and
Sundance over there decided to get into that goofball's face."
"Getting a little snippy there, Charles."
"I learned my technique from Mrs. Landingham. She had this book--
sarcastic put downs for every occasion."
"Really. Well, that explains a lot. Leo isn't by any chance in with
the President?"
"The President went to the residence early to see Mrs. Bartlet. Leo
has been in a meeting with Toby for about twenty minutes. Why?"
"Nothing special. We just needed to see the President for a minute.
We'll check with Leo instead."
"He said not to interrupt them. They were looking at some tape that
Toby had with him."
"Tape, as in video tape?"
"Yeah, he said it had something to do with you and Sam."
"Come on, Sundance, we're outta here."
**********
"Wait a minute, you two. In my office, now."
"Leo, we can explain anything that is on that tape."
"No, Josh, I don't think you can. Toby, let's have an encore
showing."
"My pleasure. Larry seems to enjoy it almost as much as we do."
"Toby, what are you doing with my son? I thought you didn't have a
parental bone in your body."
"Learn to take me literally, Sam. I do have paternal instincts if
not maternal, which is more than I can say for you. If it weren't
for me, you would have missed this."
"What are you talking about? Missed what?"
"Sam, look. He caught Larry's first steps on tape."
"The performance is wobbly to be sure, but the camera work isn't
bad."
"Who else knew about this?"
"Most of the communications staff. I had bought the camera as a
birthday present for Larry or Chanukah gift for Josh. When the baby
began to cry, Cathy put him down in my office. Before I knew it he
was stumbling over to my desk. The rest, as they say, was kismet."
"We would have missed it, Josh."
"You boys may want to remember what it means to be parents. That kid
should be your number one priority, first, last, and always."
"Understood, Leo."
"Hey, Butch, want to see Larry in a live performance?"
"Sure, partner, this beats bouncing any day."
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