Men Get Lost Sometimes
Luna
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10:17 PM
"This is what we do best," Josh declared, as he held the door open for his friends.
Donna shook her head and stepped into the bar. "Carousing is not what you do best, Josh. Carousing is what you do worst."
"Do you think they have food here?" C.J. interjected, taking off her jacket.
Toby shrugged. "Food isn't really the point."
"And I'm going to let your little digs slide, because I'm in such a good mood," Josh told Donna, as he pulled out her chair. "I'm saying, this is what we do best. This day. Reaching out to the public. Working as a team. And then at the end of this day, we come here and we, you know, we... we let our hair down."
"This is why we try to keep you from writing things," Toby said.
Josh pretended to be hurt. "And after I was your wing-man and everything."
"Honestly, when did you become my wing-man?"
"So your total crackpot thing went well," C.J. said.
"He was revolutionary," Josh told her. "He turned their world on with his smile."
Donna looked at C.J. "You know what scares me?"
"What?"
"He hasn't even had a drink yet."
"Yeah, let's remedy that." Josh waved a waitress over.
"We're not waiting for Sam?" C.J. asked.
"He'll get here." Josh looked around the table. "Four draft beers?"
Toby shook his head. "Jack Daniels and Coke."
"I think I want a gin and tonic," Donna said thoughtfully.
Toby scowled. "That's a summer drink."
"It's almost March."
"And do you have anything to eat?" C.J. asked plaintively.
The waitress looked doubtful. "I'll check."
11:09 PM
"Hey, guys." Sam walked up and joined them.
"The man of the hour," Josh hailed him. "Pull up a chair. Pull up a glass."
Donna touched his arm lightly as he dropped into a seat. "How are you doing, Sam?"
"I'm..." He swallowed. "I'm okay."
"Yeah?" C.J. asked, looking at him carefully.
"Yeah. Tell me about this cartographers thing."
"Oh, God." Toby signalled for a refill. "She's been telling us about it for the last ten minutes."
C.J. ignored him. "It would seem that the maps we go by are based on the subjective reality of the Northern Hemisphere."
"And the Cartographers for Social Equality would rather be using maps based on the subjective reality of the Cartographers for Social Equality," Josh put in.
"What it boils down to is that nothing really has the size or shape or position we think it does," C.J. concluded. "We're hopelessly self-centered. We can't make accurate maps because we can't escape our cultural background."
"So then why do we even keep trying to make them?" Sam wondered, taking a sip of his beer.
"We'd get lost."
Toby shook his head. "There's a reason we only do this once a year."
"What's that?" Sam asked.
"We have enough crazy people in our own ranks."
"Not to mention Congress," Josh said.
He nodded. "I'll drink to that."
11:43 PM
"So what I'm saying is, I used to be a radical." Toby gestured with his half-full glass to emphasize his point. "An anarchist, even. Down with the system and all of that."
C.J. giggled. "You were fifteen."
"I was a mature, intelligent fifteen."
Sam chuckled and set down his glass. "I can't imagine that you were ever any kind of fifteen at all."
Josh nodded. "Yeah, I kind of thought you sprang full-grown from the head of Henry Kissinger or something."
"So how did you go from anarchy now to working in the White House?" Donna wanted to know.
"You know, I don't remember. That part is a blur."
"You're still radical," Josh assured Toby, resting his arm along the back of his chair. "You're rad."
"Thank you, Josh. Next time you set the Way-Back Machine to 1987, would you warn me first?"
He grinned. "Hey, if we can't trust our maps, how are we supposed to rely on our calendars?"
"That's a good point," Sam said, tapping his fingers on the table. "They've eliminated whole weeks from the calendar before. Big chunks of missing time. We could do it again."
"We could eliminate this day every year," Toby suggested.
"It's a thought," Sam agreed. "Leo probably wouldn't like it."
C.J. sipped her drink. "You know something?"
"Yes," Toby said.
"No," Josh said at the same time.
"A big block of cheese sounds really good right now."
They all groaned. "I thought we were trying to forget about that," Donna reproached her.
"Sorry, but I haven't eaten since yesterday night. I'm starving. I'm wasting away to practically nothing."
"Oh, for crying out -- could someone get this woman some pretzels or something?" Toby yelled in the general direction of the bar.
"And another round," Sam added.
"And another round."
12:21 AM
"You're not listening to me," C.J. complained.
"We're listening," Donna promised, toying with an ice cube.
Sam nodded. "I'm just having a little trouble keeping up."
"I'm having trouble caring," Toby said.
"I'm not listening," Josh confessed, leaning back unsteadily in his chair.
"I can't believe you guys don't think it's important that we find an accurate way to map the world that doesn't minimize the size and importance of...." C.J. waved a hand, looking for the right word. She gave up. "The size and importance of the world."
"This is funny," Toby mused. "Last year, you were the one who turned into the wolf-woman."
"I got over that," C.J. protested.
"Yeah. After a month of getting the sniffles every time you thought about Puffy."
"Pluie," she corrected automatically, then blushed.
Josh drained his beer. "You know, he's right."
"So what's your point?" Donna said.
"I made my point," C.J. replied.
"I meant Toby's point."
Toby rested his chin in his hand. "My point is, you made us eat that horrible tofu turkey on Thanksgiving."
"You deserved it. I'm still finding feathers in my furniture."
"Yeah, but you fell in love with the turkeys, is the thing. And now you're the poster girl for the cartographers. You," Toby said, looking at C.J. and smiling into his beard, "are a soft touch, my friend."
"I am not a soft touch!"
"Soft touch." Josh chuckled. "That sounds dirty."
Sam laughed too. "You know, it kind of does."
"The two of you are sick," Donna said.
"And getting drunk," Toby added.
"I am not!" Josh frowned. "I haven't had that much. I've hardly had anything to drink at all. I've had three -- four -- all right, let's count the empty bottles." He stared at them silently. "Sam?"
"Hmm?"
"Help me count these."
"Yeah, 'cause that's a two-man project." Toby shook his head. "How did you guys get anywhere in politics when you drink like schoolgirls?"
"Hey, schoolgirls can drink," Donna said. "When I was in school, I was always the last woman standing."
"And yet you lose your cool around David Hasselhoff," Josh said scornfully. "After one glass of champagne."
"That was David Hasselhoff! And you're in no position to talk."
He blinked. "True."
1:12 AM
"Are you guys about finished here?" the waitress asked as she approached.
"We're going to want one more round," C.J. told her. "Except for him."
Josh looked up to see who C.J. meant and realized she was pointing at him. "Well, that's just not fair."
"I know."
"Are you all celebrating?" the waitress asked.
"We are, in fact, celebrating," Sam informed her.
"We are?" Donna asked, rubbing her eyes. "Still?"
"Yeah, 'cause it's Big Block of Cheese Day."
"We're not celebrating because it's Big Block of Cheese Day," Toby argued. "We're celebrating that it's over."
The waitress made a face. "What exactly is Big Block of Cheese Day?"
Toby grimaced. "You had to ask."
"Okay," Josh began. "Well, the thing is -- what's your name?"
"Louise."
"Well, Louise. It's because of Andrew Jackson."
"The President?"
"Yeah, he was the President."
"And he had a big block of cheese," Sam said.
"Huge block of cheese," Josh concurred cheerfully. "Weighed a couple thousand pounds. At least."
"And I could eat all of it right now," C.J. mumbled.
"I wonder what kind of cheese it was," Donna put in. "Was it, like, just plain cheddar? Maybe it was good cheese. Maybe it was a couple thousand pounds of Brie."
Louise raised her eyebrows. "The President had a big block of cheese?"
"You have to wonder where he got a block of cheese that big, too," Sam said.
"They're telling the story wrong," Toby told the waitress. "So, so very wrong."
"He kept the cheese in the lobby of the White House, so that the people would feel welcome to come inside." C.J. noticed a slight slur in her own voice and repeated herself. "Cheese. Cheese. Cheese."
Toby rolled his eyes. "What is that, your mantra now?"
"We're keeping the tradition alive," Sam declared. "Hospitality. That's what."
"Okay." Louise edged away from them. "One more round, coming up."
"Hospitality," Josh repeated drowsily, as if the word was unfamiliar.
"Cheese," C.J. said again, and buried her face in her hands.
2:06 AM
"Oh, all the money I've ever had..." Donna dutifully sang the lyric Josh had taught her. "I spent it in good company."
"And all the harm that I've ever done... alas, it was to none but me." Josh swayed slightly as they walked down the street.
Sam picked it up. "And all I've done for want of wit... to memory now I can't recall... So fill to me the parting glass."
They finished the verse together. "Goodnight, and joy be to you all."
Toby smiled into his beard. "Not one of you is Irish."
"I tried telling them," C.J. said. "They don't care."
"You guys are the best," Sam said emotionally. "I mean it. You guys are all smart, and brave, and..."
"Beautiful," Donna suggested.
"Beautiful." Sam looked up at the stars overhead. "Beautiful!"
"Are we going home now?" Donna wondered.
"No," Josh said.
"Yes," Toby said at the same time.
"Where's home, from here?" Josh asked Donna.
"You need an objective map," C.J. said seriously.
"I mean it," Sam said again. "You guys rock."
"I take the credit," Josh announced. "If it wasn't for me, you'd be lost in New York."
"New York isn't sad," Toby said. "New York is a city."
"What's this, then?" Josh made a sweeping gesture at the quiet street.
"A big town."
"A big town?" Donna repeated.
"A big block of cheese," C.J. said, and laughed loudly.
"You're so drunk," Toby told her.
"And you're not?"
"I can hold it better."
"Right." She leaned on his arm. "You're about to fall down."
"Yeah? Then you're going down with me."
Josh snorted. "That sounded really dirty!"
Sam guffawed, and then laughed harder when C.J. shot him a glare. When he could control himself again, he held out his arms, embracing the night. "I'd be lost without you guys, you know."
"We know," Josh said, still laughing.
"We're going home now," Donna said to Josh. "And believe me when I say I am not coming into work tomorrow."
"'Course you are."
"It's Saturday!" she yelped.
"Oh. I'm not coming into work tomorrow either."
"Yeah, you will," Toby said.
"How come?"
"'Cause that's what we always do. We go to work."
"We do," C.J. agreed. "We're good at it."
"That's what we do best," Sam said. He put an arm around Josh and one around Donna. They continued down the street.
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