West Towards Salvation
Lin
Sometimes, we take those in our lives for granted.
And other times, we try so hard we push them farther away.
And this is what she does to me.
She runs from my embrace. Every time I try to catch her, she runs even
faster and even harder. I don't want to wake up one day too tired and
frustrated to keep running.
When the President announced his candidacy, we should have been overjoyed.
And we were. Mostly.
But I saw the panic in her eyes.
Right away, that should have told me something was wrong.
But I deftly ignored it and handed her her coat in my own jubilee. I was
going to suggest a late night dinner but before I could, the office erupted
in celebration. It was an hour before I noticed she was gone.
Toby was the one who clued me in to that fact. Surprisingly, he wasn't
shocked that she had taken off. Maybe it isn't my imagination. I'm not the
only one who has noticed she has been pulling away from us all. He told me
where I could find her. How he knew, I'll never know, but I'll never stop
thanking God that he did.
*
His footsteps barely made an echo in the cavernous worship area. The small
bit of light falling through the open door and stained-glass window cast
eerie shadows in what had been earlier, a beautiful space.
He made his way down the aisle, unsure if she was really there. A few steps
more and he saw the janitor standing as if transfixed by something in front
of him. The other man clutched his broom tightly and shifted his weight
from foot to foot, undecided if he would approach the woman sitting in front
of him.
Relieved at the sight of her, Sam quickly approached.
But the shaking of her shoulders stopped him. As the prayers rolled off of
her lips, quickly mumbled and mingled with tears, he could feel his heart
begin to shatter. Willing all of the strength in his body, he forged ahead,
intent on being there when she finished. He raised a finger to his lips to
keep the janitor from alerting CJ to his presence.
He sat down as near as he could without startling her with his presence. He
watched her. He listened. And uttered his own prayer in desperation for
this woman he loved.
Without warning, the sobbing prayers stopped. She raised her head and said,
"I am south of Heaven."
Quickly, he found his voice and returned, "You are north of Hell."
"And just east of Purgatory."
"But you are inching to the east every day, Claudia." His voice almost
broke as he said those words, still unused to the shape of her Christian
name.
Her body twisted in its pew, letting her red-rimmed eyes finally meet his.
"You promised to stay with me."
"I may have to break that promise, Darling, because I'm scared." 'I'm
scared for you. Scared for us, CJ. Don't you see how much you're tearing
me apart?!' He wanted to scream at her.
"Maybe you haven't tried hard enough," her tear-filled voice held a bitter,
accusing edge.
'I have tried!' he screamed silently. "How can I help you at all if all you
do is back up four steps every time I take two towards you?" He didn't mean
for the frustrations of the last few weeks to come flowing out this way.
Just like she didn't mean to snap at him and he didn't mean to snap at her
earlier that day. They were moving too far apart.
"It's not easy for me, all right! I'm the one who has to deal with the
reporters, the Public, and everyone else in between when all you and the
other *boys* get to sit back and have a Scotch and cigar with the President
while you figure out just what you're going to do with the trail and the
speeches and..."
He drew in a shuddery breath. 'How dare she thing that she was doing
everything alone?! She wasn't the only one being roasted in the court of
Public Opinion. They all were!' "Is that what you think we're doing?" He
found the strength to stand. His blue eyes searched her own for an
explanation to her outburst but all he could find was her accusing eyes
staring back at him. "You do. I can not believe that you do! We're
busting our," his voice dropped so only she could hear, "asses and all you
can think about is yours."
In some delusional fantasy, he never imagined she would defend herself, but
she did anyway. Rising from her seat, she said, "That's right. I am,
because all my life, that's all I've been doing. No one ever said, 'Here
Claudia, let me help you out with that problem you have there.' No, it's
always been, 'Well, Darlin', you got yourself a mess there, what are *you*
going to do about it?'"
Silence loomed between them.
Finally, Sam said, "People have tried, you know." He pointed to himself,
"I'm trying."
"Why?"
The intense loneliness in her voice made him snap. He grabbed her arms
roughly, hoping it would shake some sense into her. "Because I love you,
damn it! And you're too busy running away from everyone and everything that
you can't see that, can you? And you know what you're running to? A big,
red, brick wall!"
Instead of trying to squirm her way out of his grasp, she stood there,
unsure of what to do next. His grip on her arms tightened as her eyes
tightly shut and her body relaxed. Faintly, he heard the clink of something
hitting the ground. His eyes followed hers to the spot where the rosary lay
on the ground.
He let go of her so she could stoop to gather the beads but he followed her.
As the rosary threaded through her fingers, his hands covered her own. He
used his other hand to force up her chin so she was directly looking at him.
Softly, he told her, "And Claudia, I will follow you where ever you go. The
depths of Hell, the highest Heaven, or the coldest Purgatory, I will be at
your side."
*
Later that night, they lie in bed, her head on his chest. Her fingers
clutched the sheet desperately, unsure of their next move.
"I do love you," she heard him whisper in the darkness.
"I know that," she answered.
"You know, it's not always going to be like this. Even if we don't make it
through this battle, the next election unscathed, this isn't always going to
hang over our head."
"So you say," she murmured.
"My point is, there is going to come a time when you aren't going to be able
to use this as an excuse. I don't want to lose you."
It was a moment before she moved. She gathered herself in an upright position
and folded her legs beside her. She licked her lips before saying, "I'm not
going anywhere."
"Yes, you are. One day you're going to wake up and decide none of this was
worth the effort."
"I'm not going to run away," her voice remained low.
His eyes searched hers. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
"You promised you were going to stay with me."
"And I'm here."
"I promise."
"Huh?"
"I promise to stay. I promise," she exhaled, "to come to you."
"And I promise to do whatever's in my power to help." Pause. "You know, if
North is Heaven, South is Hell, and East is Purgatory, what's in the west?"
A soft smile spread across her face. She leaned down to give him a small
kiss before answering, "Salvation."
Little Jeanie: Angels Under My Bed
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