He's Your Father
Debbie
The phone felt incredibly heavy in his hand. That was the only thing
his mind would let him focus on. He didn't feel anything at the
moment, only that he never realized how heavy his phone was. He had
gotten the message from Cathy when he had come back from Staff
forty-five minutes ago.
He glanced at the clock. Was it only forty five minutes ago? He
remembered thinking that it was odd that his mother would call
him at work, maybe something had happened to his
dad. But he had shrugged it off and called her. Now fifteen minutes
after his mother had stopped crying and told him that she was going
to be fine, he still held the phone. That was when there was a knock
at his office door. The sound pulled him out of the fog that had
consumed him.
"Sam?" Cathy called from her position by the door.
Sam nodded his head and hung up the phone that he had been holding.
When he looked up at her, he saw that she had a worried look on her
face. He tried to smile at her. He failed miserably.
"Yes, what did you need?"
Did his voice sound normal? No, it had sounded like he had just been
kicked in the gut. But he hadn't, had he? How could his father run
around on him and his mother for twenty-eight years? How could his
father have another life? His mom had told him that there was another
house, another wife. What was he supposed to feel like, he didn't
know but it did feel like he had been kicked in the gut. He realized
his best course of action was to look down and away from Cathy's
penetrating stare.
"I just wanted to know if everything was okay."
Okay, how could he be okay? Would anything in his family be okay
again? Were they even a family still?
"Sure, I'm great."
He heard himself say the words. He knew he didn't believe them. He
glanced up at Cathy and he knew she didn't believe them
either. But all she did was give him a small frown and then nod at
him.
"Well, I know you just talked to your mom. So, I just wondered if
everyone was…"
She stopped and let her sentence drop when she looked at his face.
She gave him a little smile. Sam could only imagine what she saw when
she looked at his face. Apparently, she didn't liked what she saw
because she changed the subject.
"I also wanted to remind you that I've got a dentist appointment
tomorrow morning and I won't be in until after ten."
Sam glanced at his calendar and the clock next to it. It was after
six. He nodded at her again, hoping that she wouldn't confront him
about his phone call. She probably thought something was wrong. She
had taken the message from his mother. Had his mother sounded upset
when she had called earlier? She probably had, she had good reason to
be. When Sam had called her, she had been crying. The first thing he
had asked was how his dad was. That had made her cry harder. After
she had told him, he had felt bad that the first thought was of his
father. Why hadn't he asked her how she was?
"Sam…"
He jerked his eyes away from the clock on his desk to look back up at
Cathy. She looked like she wanted to say something. Whatever it was
he didn't really want to hear it.
"Yeah, you can go ahead and go. I'll see you tomorrow."
He reached for a folder that was on top of a pile of unread folders
in the center of his desk and flipped it open. He knew it was a way
to avoid looking at her. She stood there for a few more seconds then
turned and walked back toward her desk. Sam waited until she had
closed down her computer and grabbed her purse before he looked up
again from the page that he had been staring at. She glanced at him,
then turned and walked toward the exit. He let out a small sigh. At
least she hadn't tried to come back in the office and ask more
questions that he didn't have any answers for.
He tossed the folder on the desk then swiveled in his chair until he
was looking out his window. How could this be happening? What had
been so wrong that his father had been compelled to go out and find
another family? Sam tried to remember any time in his past that might
give him a clue. His father had traveled frequently when he was a
child. His father was a partner in a technology company with his
brother. They had started off small and now the company had grown to
be one of the top three manufacturers of computer chips and hardware
in the business. That was the reason Sam had gone to law school. He
hadn't wanted to be sucked into the family business like his cousins
had. His uncle had always stayed at home while his father always made
the required business trips to help promote the business and open up
new offices. Even after the business was large, and his father could
have sent someone else, he had told everyone that he thought it was
good business to visit the other offices.
Sam jumped when someone knocked on his door. Sam swung around in his
chair to see Josh hanging on his doorframe. He cleared his throat and
stepped into the office. They looked at each other for a minute. Sam
could see concern in his friend's eyes. Cathy must have gone to get
Josh before she left.
"Did you know that they are going to close the city down for some
protest on Friday?"
Sam shook his head. "No."
He swiveled his chair back around to look at view out the window. He
hoped Josh would take the hint and leave him alone. But Josh was Josh
and he stood in front of Sam's desk for a minute before he walked
around and sat down behind Sam on the corner of his desk. Josh didn't
say anything, but Sam knew that he was there. They sat that way for a
couple of minutes. Then Josh became restless; he stood up and placed
his hands on the back of Sam's chair.
"Sam, what's going on?"
Sam knew that Josh wasn't going to let this go. The man was so
stubborn.
"My mom called while we were in staff."
Sam heard his voice break. He stopped and tore his eyes from the
window to look down at his hands. He took at deep breath and tried to
go on, but he couldn't. How could he tell Josh when he didn't even
want to say it out loud? Josh wouldn't understand what he was going
through. Josh had a good father. Or at least before his father died
he had been good. Josh was proud of his dad, Josh had known that his
dad had been proud of him. He had loved his dad. Sam couldn't even
stand to think about his father right now.
"Sam, is she ok? How about your dad?"
Sam spun his chair around suddenly and faced Josh. The sudden
movement had startled Josh and he stepped back a step.
"Why does everyone keep doing that?"
Josh looked confused and maybe a little frightened. Sam knew he
didn't know what was going on but he didn't care. Why wouldn't
everyone just leave him alone?
"Sam, buddy, what's going on?"
Sam leaped from his chair, walked around to the small space in front
of his desk, and began to pace. He only had enough room to go about
five steps in one direction before he had to turn and go in the other
direction. Josh stayed out of his way.
"My mom called when we were in staff. She was upset; she was crying."
Sam stopped pacing and turned to look at Josh.
"Last weekend was my dad's birthday. Mom gave him a party at work. He
got a little plastered and then stood up in front of the whole crowd
and announced that he didn't want to work there anymore. He said that
his daughter had convinced him to come live with her and his
grandchildren in Florida."
Sam watched as a confused look spread across his friend's face.
"Sam, I thought you told me your were a only child?"
Sam snorted and then flopped down in the chair in front of his desk
and stare at the floor. When he began again it was in a whisper.
"Yes. Now can you imagine my mother's surprise, as she listened to my
father's speech, when he told everyone that he not only had a
mysterious daughter that lived in Florida, but he also had another
woman in Santa Monica. My father, always the one who loved a good
joke, had decided that his birthday was the perfect time to tell
everyone that this life was a sham. I guess he also decided that he
liked his other life better because he told my mother he wanted a
divorce, then walked out of the party. He told her right there in
front of the whole place. How could he do that to her?"
Sam continued to stare at the floor. The silence in the room was
horrible. Sam finally looked up at Josh. Josh had a stunned look on
his face.
"Oh God, Sam, I'm so sorry"
Sam let his breath out through his nose and shook his head.
"Josh, what did I do?" Sam asked his friend in a small voice.
How come he felt like a little boy? He was a grown man;
he shouldn't feel this way. He felt like the
world had just tilted sideways and he was hanging on by his
fingernails. Suddenly Josh was in front of him. He had squatted down
in front of him and was now looking directly in his face.
"Sam, there is no way that you are blaming yourself for this. I mean,
come on, this has nothing to do with you. You were a little boy when
he started this. You didn't have anything to do with this. And
neither did your mother."
Sam shook his head no but didn't say anything. Josh reached up and
put a hand on his shoulder.
"Sam, look at me"
Sam shut his eyes for a second then looked up at his friend. Josh had
a pleading look in his eyes. He tried to smile but it didn't work.
"Sam, I'm an expert on the guilt trip. I have two therapists that can
tell you that. Now listen to me. You had nothing to do with your
father's decision to cheat on you or your mom. You are allowed to
feel anything you want to right now. Get angry do whatever it is you
think you need to do right now to help yourself get through this, but
don't you dare try to blame yourself for any of this."
Sam took a deep breath and then nodded at Josh.
"Okay," he mumbled quietly to Josh.
Josh stood and put a hand on Sam's shoulder.
"Josh, how can I love him and hate him so much at the same time?"
Josh squeezed his shoulder and sighed heavily. Sam could feel tears
starting to brim in his eyes. He didn't know what to think about
anything. How could everything that he remembered be wrong? Did his
father really love him?
"I don't know, Sam. I guess because he's your father."
"Yeah."
"Hey, you want to go get some dinner? I told Donna that she could go
home early tonight. Some friend of hers from college is coming to
town tomorrow. We can go somewhere if you want."
Sam shook his head. He definitely did not want to go out with Josh and
dissect his childhood tonight.
"No, I think I really need to be alone and think."
"Are you sure?"
Sam looked up at Josh and smiled. Josh was a good friend; Sam could
tell that he didn't want to leave him alone.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
Josh squeezed his shoulder one last time and walked to the door.
"I'm here whenever you need me, okay?"
"Sure. Goodnight"
Josh patted his doorframe softly, then he turned and left the
bullpen. Sam sat for a while, staring at the door. Then he got up and
went next-door to Toby's office. Toby had been in meetings all day on
the hill and had gone home right after staff. He took off his jacket
and lay down on Toby's couch. He tried to remember if his father had
ever acted strangely when he was a kid. He couldn't remember anything
strange, just that he was gone more than he was home, especially when
Sam became a teenager. Well, at least he knew why he was gone so much
now.
Tears formed in his eyes and he let them come. He hugged his
suit jacket, as the tears spilt down his cheeks, until there weren't
any more tears and then he fell asleep.
Sequel: Still His Son
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