Make it Real

Lin


"I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate?"
Angel by Robbie Williams
I am the Press Secretary to the President of the United States.
Every day, I defend the policies of this administration to the ravenous Press and public. I have never had to defend myself against the onslaught of a media frenzy. I would like to skip this one time and just fade...
And here I wait, in my office, for something I can't control. My breath escapes in shallow puffs, barely a whisper in the late night air. That's the dangerous thing about waiting...you can only think in the darkness of a land where you are too blind to see. And your mind runs rampant with things you would never contemplate otherwise.
Over the last month, I have forged a friendship with a man I greatly respect and admire. Our feelings have been reciprocal so far, but I am afraid of what will happen now.
That picture. Such an innocent kiss.
What next?
I have been raked over the coals more times than I would like to admit, since I have been part of the Bartlet administration. But I cannot complain. I chose this life. It is my choice.
It is a privilege and an honor to serve at the pleasure of the President.
Our personal lives were long ago forfeited for the greater good. And I accepted that. We all did. I gave up a relationship with a man I liked because of the image it would create. Not to mention the problems.
Josh and Donna have to ignore any blossoming feelings that may be emerging between them.
Leo has had his past thrown in his face because it was 'less than acceptable'.
Sam was reprimanded because of a woman he slept with.
And now I have to defend myself against an innocent kiss, void of any real passion.
What if there is more to this than meets the eye? But what could it be? I have lived a long life and there are many things that could come back for me.
Toby would have a hissy fit. Josh would be surprised, Leo would be grim, and the President...
he doesn't know yet. I do not want to be the one who has to tell him that his Press Secretary and one of his speech writers are having an illicit affair. I don't think he would be disappointed...just shocked. The question is, is there any truth in that statement? Are Sam and I having an illicit affair? Who calls a kiss an affair? I have kissed many people, but no one has ever taken photographs of me doing it. And we have never done anything that would elicit a giggle from the most precocious of White House employees.
Maybe it's all for the best. Maybe something, somewhere, is telling me this, my life, is not to be.
'It's not to be, Claudia Jean.'
But I refuse to accept that. What do I feel for Sam?
He's my friend. I haven't given it any real thought pass that. What more does there need to be? We shared innocent kisses, just like I have with many people. I don't know what I feel pass that moment. His lips on mine felt sweet, like candy, and warm. And gentle. If I have to give up my life, damn anyone who would take away those small moments of serenity.
Why Sam?
Why now?
I would like for the culprit to be Ann Stark, just so I could have the satisfaction of tripping her up in the same way she did us. But this is too covert for her. And Lillienfield. They're the type of people who do victory dances in the loser's face. Even if it was run against Leo's past and Sam's incident with Laurie, this is barely a ripple. Those two incidents were handled with grace and poise, so why try to use a small kiss?
An innocent kiss.
*~*
"How did we end up here?" CJ leaned forward, resting her face in her hands.
"In your house?"
"I guess so," she eased back, never taking her eyes off of the man sitting across from her.
"I asked if you wanted some dinner---"
"---which we have."
"So now, we eat." Sam grinned at her and speared a small piece of food on his fork. "You OK?"
CJ cleared her throat. "Yeah, why do you ask?"
"No reason. You just look out of it."
"If this thing gets published tomorrow, I'm going to be more than out of it."
Sam slowly nodded. "No confirmations?" CJ shook her head. "How do we know it will get published at all?"
"I don't know, Sam." She leaned back. " Why would anyone go to the trouble of sending us a photo?"
He shrugged, "To scare us."
"Maybe," she answered noncommittally. "But they have to have something else up their sleeves."
"Who says?"
"Sam, this is almost as bad as you with Laurie. That was just a picture of you two hugging on the sidewalk."
"You can say it, CJ."
"What?"
"She was a call girl."
"That's not your fault," CJ gently told him.
"It's how you told me before: it's just the appearance of impropriety."
CJ stared at Sam for a moment before saying, "Impropriety my ass." Pause. "I am sorry about that."
"You were doing your job. I understand. I know why," Sam refused to meet her eyes.
"Yes, but we shouldn't have come down so hard on you."
"Yes, you should have," Sam replied, irritated with the direction the conversation was taking. "I was so angry I couldn't have a friendship with a woman because she was a call girl, so I lashed out at all of you."
Silence.
"That's what I feel like," CJ said.
"About what?"
"The whole thing with Danny. I knew everyone thought I was getting too close---"
"CJ."
She cut him off. "And I was. He flattered--flatters--me in this male-dominated world of politics I have to spin day in and day out. I paid the price for encouraging it."
"CJ, you should know by now, Danny has his own mind. We all know that."
"But what about you guys," CJ pushed away from the table and walked into the living room. "I thought you didn't trust me."
"That's not true," Sam told her.
"It's not?"
"No."
"Well then, why do I seem to remember an incident involving India and Pakistan?" she spit out angrily.
"That wasn't---"
"I hear it from Toby. I get the looks from Josh. Leo tiptoes around the subject. Does everyone think it's cute? Is it a joke?"
"We don't take it that way, CJ." Sam gently guided her to the couch and sat her down. "We know you're capable of doing your job."
"No, you don't. I'm the outsider. You run me around in circles until I don't know where to turn next."
Sam sat down beside her. "Why do you say that?"
Silence.
CJ combed her fingers through her hair. "Why do you keep doing this, Sam?"
"Doing what?"
"You're here. In my house. After all of this crap, and you're still here. If Leo knew you were here, he'd string us both up by our thumbs."
"It's none of Leo's damned business where I am. Or you either for that matter." Sam ran his hands against CJ's face, softly touching her warm skin. "I'm here for you. This won't be bad."
CJ sighed. "It will be tomorrow."
"Let's worry about it tomorrow, then."
CJ leaned in closer to Sam. "Sam...tomorrow."
"What?"
"Tomorrow. Let's forget this all until tomorrow."
"After all, tomorrow is another day," Sam grinned.
CJ drew herself up on her knees. "Yeah." Pause. "If I get blamed for something, the least I want, is to be able do the thing I'm being accused of."
Sam stared at her, confused by her rambling. "What are you being accused of?"
CJ leaned closer to him until they were bare millimeters away from each other. "Something I want."
Sam drew in a ragged breath. "And what's that?"
"I want someone who's there for me," CJ whispered.
"I'm here."
"I want what has been taken away from me."
"What's that?"
"My life. I want you."
Sam reared back, "What?"
CJ's lips barely brushed Sam's, making his breath hitch. "You. Make it real, Sam."
"When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one-way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the water fall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead"
Angels by Robbie Williams


I Hope You Dance: What's Next?

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