King of the Mountain:
Part 32


Lynn Jepsen


I'm starting to understand why Alice Ritcher frightens Sam. The woman is
a little intimidating. Feminists as a whole don't scare me. CJ is just
fine. Slightly scary when she shifts into demented Amazon mode, but
otherwise, she's just CJ. Alice Ritcher is an entirely different story.
Unlike John Hoynes, she doesn't scare me in a political way - she
redefines frightening for wholly different reasons. And, while I could
muse on Alice Ritcher's attitude, her views, or her feminazi ideas, I
would rather discuss my main maladjustment in life - Alice Ritcher's
views on Lisa.

On the surface, one would think Lisa and Alice have a lot in common. Both
are strong willed. Both are married. Both are career women. Both make me
insane at least once a week. Under the surface, both are vastly different
- no one noticed it, however, until theyy started advertising the fact.

Carol called me this morning at three am to discuss a few off-the-cuff
remarks Alice made to a reporter from the Dallas Morning News. Now, the
first thing wrong with that statement was the Dallas Morning News. We do
not talk to the Dallas Morning News. We do not talk to reporters who hate
us as a matter or principle. Of course, Carol wouldn't wake me up to tell
me that - she'd wake Toby up. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to
drop when I drag myself into the campaign office of the day and grab a
cup of coffee.

Then I drop the coffee in the sink. This... this is decaf.

When I walk into the bullpen, Toby is already bellowing at Ginger and Leo
and Sam are yelling at Margaret. CJ yells at Carol then, and Carol yells
at Toby, who turns around to yell at Sam still yelling at Margaret. Lily
yells at Charlie who yells at Zoey to go yell at Lisa. Ramon yells at
Diana and Diana yells at Rachel then, and Rachel sees me and launches
into the breakdown of last night's press. My God. Did we ever shift out
of White House mode?

"....then she said Aunt Lisa was a subservient wife." Rachel shuffles the
files in her arms and produces a copy of the articles that will be
running this morning. If I strangle Alice, will anyone mind? "Aunt Lisa
will mind. She's already plotting her revenge." Get me Alice in my
office. "Earliest possible conveniece?" Hell no. It's four am. I'm up,
she can be too. "She's a United States Senator, Josh." She ruined my nap.
Get her down here. Rachel gives me this mock salute then, and marches off
towards my makeshift office. I knew I hated Alabama for a reason.

I've put my head down on my desk and am trying to squeeze in five minutes
of sleep when Rachel walks in. "Josh, Senator Ritcher is here." Okay.
"Josh?" Let her sit a few minutes. I'll let you know when I'm ready. She
rolls her eyes and slips out the door, already making her apologies to
Alice. That girl is going to be formidable in a few years. Right now, I
just wish she'd bring me some real coffee. Not, of course, that she's
brought me real coffee since I got out of the hospital. Something about
orders from Sam. Who does he think he is? President? Okay, let's not go
there.

*

Alice Ritcher has been upgraded from mild annoyance to total pain in the
ass. She's making me look like a sweetheart, but right now, keeping Lisa
from killing her is priority number one. Sam's been out torturing rural
Alabama with useless facts that he keeps inserting into his speeches,
much to the chagrin of Toby and Diana. CJ offered to talk to Lisa, but I
guess I figure this is my job. Hell, I've known her longer than anyone
else - if she's going to kill the messenger, it might as well be me.

She's rocking Donnatella and waltzing her around the room when I sneak
in, and she shushes me before I have a chance to say a word. Fine. I can
wait. It's not like I'm running the country or anything. I'm just trying
to make your husband sound like less of a geek. I sit in the rocking
chair, and give long thought to taking my own nap while we wait for Elle
to doze off. That's when Lisa walks over, settles her in my arms, and
motions towards the phone. Fine, make whatever calls you need. I'll be
right here.

She closes the door to block the noise then, and I glance down at the kid
in my arms. You, young lady, are going to have to learn to sleep when you
can. That should be lesson one for any member of any political family.
Rule two - CNN is good. We'll work on rule three - republicans are evil -
a little later, won't we? After all, if you grew up Republican in this
household, we'd have to have a serious discussion about your mental
stability.

You know who you would have liked to meet? Donna. You're going to remind
me of her alot when you get older. You've got this face already, and I
know you're just waiting until you learn to talk to give me hell. You're
also going to master your mother's sarcasm and your father's vocabulary
if you want to have a chance of survival in this household. That's before
Toby and I get ahold of you - oh, and I'm sure CJ's going to stick some
of those feminist thoughts in your head. If she doesn't, I guess Rachel
will.

Hey, while you're here, maybe I can ask you a question. Your Aunt Sarah,
you know, the one who watched you last week, well, I think she's ready to
forgive me. See, I was sort of a jerk to your daddy. You'll get used to
it. I'm a jerk alot. I'll apologize in advance, because I'm sure it will
be my fault when your dad misses your birthday and your first school
play. Anyway, your Aunt Sarah and I had a great time for a couple weeks
back in January, but I haven't talked to her in a while, and I think I've
got a crush on someone else. Yeah, I know, I'm being a jerk.

It's even worse than it sounds though. Donnatella, do you remember that
pretty blond who likes to sing Eagles songs. Well, aside from the fact
that she's half my age, we seem to have a lot in common. She's like Sam
in a skirt, except, she's not as big a klutz or geek as your daddy. I'm
thinking of asking her to go with me to the fundraiser on Saturday. You
think she'd go for it? Elle yawns then, and snuggles into the crook of my
arm. I'm completely smitten. This is pathetic. Standing up, I try to
remember to watch her head as I lay her down in the crib.

Now, the tough part. Keeping our Future First Lady from killing the next
Vice President.

King of the Mountain: Part 33

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