God of War: Part 30


Lynn Jepsen


I don't remember exactly what happened. I know I will. I just can't right
now.

Representatives from Palestine and Israel signed official treaties
yesterday. Today, Josh can travel. He hasn't moved so much as an eyelash
since..... but he's still alive. That has to mean something. Of course,
it could just mean Josh is stubborn as hell, but I choose to be
optimistic.

Toby is da man. Not, of course, that I'll ever say that out loud.

He's run interference all week. I don't think he's gone more than thirty
minutes without talking to either Sam or CJ on the phone, and I
appreciate it. He's also kept everyone who might want me to talk about
what was going on in there at arm's length.

It's been a week. Josh can travel. I want to go home.

Diana hasn't left his side for more than ten minutes a day. That's how
long it takes me to drag her down the hall to an empty hospital room, get
her to change clothes, eat food, drink coffee, and confirm that she's
still on this planet with the rest of us.

The Zeta women never left the building. Josh at least has one up on them.

All week, I've been having these dreams. I'm back in New York. The
President is addressing the Convention. I know there's a bomb, or a gun,
or some type of threat. I still can't run fast enough. I still can't
shout loud enough. This time the body isn't Bartlet's. Every night I wake
up and call Sam. I have to make sure he's still there.

Paranoid? Yeah.

"Lisa?" Toby offers me a hand, and I stand up, glancing around the hotel
room. You know, it's not that I can't talk about what it was like in
there. It's more like, I don't know what was real, and what's part of my
nightmares. Twenty minutes. They told me that I was only inside twenty
minutes. It seemed like days. It seemed like I was watching Josh die for
days.

"Are you okay?" Yeah. let's just get out of here.

*

Toby and Diana are holding vigil over the hospital bed bolted to the
frame of the aircraft. No one has said a word. Even the crew vanished
the second we left the ground. Only the nurse continues to move between
compartments. I think she'd be more comfortable if Toby would stop
scowling at her.

When I can't watch Josh not pacing, not yelling, not smirking, I lock
myself in an empty lounge area and collapse into a stiff chair. I could
use a bottle of scotch and something to break. Instead, I dig through my
duffel bag, producing Sam's CD player and an odd assortment of CDs we
keep for traveling. Most of them are Elle's - Disney soundtracks, singing
bears, humming fish - but there are a few others.

//If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless//

I draw my knees up to my chest, and lean forward. Sitting like this,
drawn up into myself, I can imagine that I'm still in one piece. Like
Josh isn't dying. Like Josh will be there in the morning to listen to my
dreams, bounce my daughter around the room, and corral Sam into listening
to his better angels. I'm pretending...

//I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear//

With two fingers, I tug a silver chain free from beneath my blouse. The
silver cross was a gift from my mother. It was blessed by the Archbishop
and the queen. It's a poor substitute for the miracle we all know we
need.

//My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken//

Diana's hands will clutch his, as if she could anchor him down. Toby's
hands will stay stuffed in his pockets. My hands? They don't betray my
emotions. They're calm. They don't know any better. He took my hand once,
and pretended to read my fortune. We always joked that since we weren't
having much luck changing the future, we ought to try foretelling it. It
was a big joke when Mrs. Bartlet found out about the gag and dragged out
the Ouija board.

//Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
Bit I knew it wasn't ever after//

If only I knew that..... I want to hear Josh laugh the next time I make
him drink tea....

//We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken//

God, Josh. Don't even think about doing this. You've come too far. Too
many people need you. Diana needs you. Sam needs you. Rachel needs you.
Elle needs you. Dammit Josh! I need you!

//In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray//

Unfolding my body, I scramble back up to my knees, as if the music, or my
heart, or something else commands it. It's been so long that I've said
the words... so long since I've prayed anywhere but Elle's bedroom, for
anything but the recitation of her bedtime prayers. Pleading.... I'm
pleading..... I still can't remember exactly what happened between
walking through the door, and leaving, half carrying Josh, but I remember
pleading with him... with Josh....

//My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken//

I feel so small here. I feel so helpless.

Josh, you have to wake up.

Please.


God of War: Part 31

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